Today, I rang British Gas to cancel my boiler cover, as I'm totally and utterly skint. I told her the reason was I was getting divorced, moving house, losing my job and had no income at all. She was very sympathetic, and said "how would you like to pay your £37 cancellation fee?" FML

by shellbom / 11/17/2009 at 4:33pm / United Kingdom (Northamptonshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, I screamed, used one of my employees as a human shield, dove for cover, and cried. Why? A bat flew into my store. Bats scare me shitless. FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2009 at 3:55pm / United States / Work

Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2009 at 3:05pm / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, I ran outside to start my car before leaving for work. My creepy neighbor was sitting outside smoking a cigarette. He told me he just loves watching TLC, too, and we should watch TV together sometime. I've never talked to him. I watch TLC in my bedroom. He watches me through my window. FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2009 at 11:01am / United States (Minnesota) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was minding a 6-year old boy. He begged me to take him somewhere. I rang his Mum, and she said I could. He picked to go to McDonald's. He ordered chicken. After his meal, he told me he was vegetarian, and wanted to try some meat while his Mum wasn't around. I got the blame. FML

by NewlyChildaphobic / 11/17/2009 at 9:50am / Ireland (Cork) / Kids

Today, I was running a meeting feeling very stressed. I grabbed my stress ball out of my bag, squeezing it vigorously throughout the meeting. When I stood up to talk my stress ball exploded all over my new black suit and the desk. So much for relieving stress. FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2009 at 2:21am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, after sleeping in, I finally sorted through a stack of mail I had been putting off and I found a Jury summons. Thinking it must be coming up soon, I checked the date, my appearance is scheduled for 7:45am on November 16th. Today is November 17th. FML

by Nic / 11/17/2009 at 1:34am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was leaving the train station when a man came up to me and asked me if I have an unlimited metrocard to swipe him in. I did have an unlimited card so I told him sure. While taking out my metrocard from my wallet, he grabbed my wallet and ran away as fast as he could. FML

by HunniBeeHuni / 11/17/2009 at 12:25am / United States (New Jersey) / Transportation

Today, I was looking at the annoucements in the newspaper and find out that my boyfriend of the past 6 years is supposed to be married in 2 days to what I thought was his ex-girlfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2009 at 11:01pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, while I was in the middle of making love with my boyfriend, I mentioned bringing another lady in the picture to spice it up. He looked at me and said "let's ask your sister." He then got dressed and called her. FML

by 3sacrowd / 11/16/2009 at 10:46pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, my husband and I put our 9 month old twins to bed and went outside to enjoy a very rare few minutes with each other, a couple of beers, with a baby monitor. He shut the sliding glass door, and I watched the bar that locks it accidentally slide into locked position. All the other doors were locked. FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2009 at 3:10pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend came over to celebrate our anniversary. He had a card written in crayon with my name spelled wrong, and a basket I had seen his mother throw in the trash filled with flower petals ripped from my mom's garden. Our anniversary was 3 days ago. FML

by TLT / 11/16/2009 at 1:12pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I called my mother who is vacationing in Florida with my dad and sister. Before they left I told them I would be very responsible and that they could trust me. The first thing she asked me is if all the animals were still alive. I said yes. I lied. Her favourite cat drowned in the pool. FML

by baddaughter / 11/16/2009 at 12:11pm / Canada (Quebec) / Holidays