Today, I found out that my parents bought a stripper pole, my mom even hired a stripper to teach her some "moves." I'm scared to go in their room now. FML

by kte / 12/30/2009 at 5:36am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, while taking a shower, I noticed that I had forgotten to shave my pits. I went to a party last night, and there are now several Facebook pictures of me dancing, with my arms up and my hairy pits showing for the world to see. FML

by Anonymous / 12/30/2009 at 2:08am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband left me for one of the college students I was tutoring in Spanish. We have two kids and are expecting a third. He left a note that said he would "stay in touch." FML

by Leslie / 12/30/2009 at 2:03am / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of six weeks. With my own mother who was supposedly dating "a real catch". Should I be happy that my parents love each other or pissed off that they're both whores? I can't decide. FML

by wheresthelove / 12/30/2009 at 12:03am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I had my noise-canceling headphones on and a girl sitting next to me raised her glass at me. I thought she meant "cheers". So I did a "cheers" with her. When I drank my juice, it was only then did I realize that she was trying to tell me the flight attendant had mixed up our drinks. FML

by lala456 / 12/29/2009 at 11:02pm / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to look up how to eat a mango on the internet. FML

by mylifeissad / 12/29/2009 at 9:10pm / United States (Maine) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he tried to put his hand inside my pants. I didn't want it to be that easy so I denied, but he insisted a lot and I finally let him. He started to sing "We Are The Champions." FML

by queen / 12/29/2009 at 8:29pm / Brazil (Minas Gerais) / Intimacy

Today, I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend. Since everyone seemed to be sleeping, I closed my eyes and started to touch myself. I was really close to climaxing when I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my mother staring at me as I was masturbating. FML

by Rawr / 12/29/2009 at 8:05pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I got stuck in a blizzard. My mother never picked me up like she was supposed to, and wasn't answering her phone. After walking around for a half hour, freezing, I finally found her. Where was she? Sitting in Pizza Hut, having a great time. FML

by kenzieeeee / 12/29/2009 at 7:30pm / United States (Maine) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on a trip in the city. Unfortunately for me, the part of my appearance that the artist decided to exaggerate was my acne. FML

by fmylifegirl / 12/29/2009 at 3:59pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Health

Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML

by PoachedFish / 12/29/2009 at 5:57am / Lebanon (Beyrouth) / Animals

Today, I found out that my booty call only likes to have sex with me so afterwards he can watch ESPN on my plasma screen TV, because he has neither. FML

by pieceofcake163 / 12/29/2009 at 3:59am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex asking if I would go out with him that night. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML

by SherryBaby / 12/29/2009 at 2:41am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous