Today, I was approached by a policeman who asked me if I was the owner of the green Camry. Turns out my parents decided to teach me a lesson for lying where I had been by reporting the car stolen. They also wouldn't answer my one phone call. FML

by Anonymous / 12/19/2009 at 10:08pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday, and apparently my family forgot it. But one person didn't forget. My dog gave me a little present in my new shoes I bought for myself. FML

by googly191 / 12/19/2009 at 4:44pm / United States (Colorado) / Animals

Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML

by ouch / 12/19/2009 at 10:15am / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, when my boyfriend and I were becoming intimate, his cat decides to jump onto the bed and lie right in between us. He then informs me that he wanted to stop to "preserve his cat's innocence." FML

by Madagascar / 12/19/2009 at 5:18am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I was standing outside a store about to flirt with this guy when my mother drove up and shouted, "Hurry up, I have diarrhea!" FML

by embaressed / 12/19/2009 at 4:44am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was asked by my mom if I could have a joint-birthday party with her dog because it would be the dog's "big 1-0." She was completely serious. FML

by dog_day / 12/19/2009 at 1:20am / United States (Arizona) / Animals

Today, I recieved a phone call from a good guy friend of mine, someone I haven't seen for years. He tells me he has "deep" feelings for me, and wants to know since my husband is deployed, if it would be okay if we "dated" because he told his parents I'm his girlfriend. FML

by annoyed / 12/19/2009 at 12:52am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I walked into my room in only a towel. I walked in front of my brother to get to my computer. He said, "My webcam is on." I replied smartly by screaming, hugging the towel tightly to me, turning, and running straight into the glass door, dropping the towel. His friends saw and laughed. FML

by GlassPwn / 12/19/2009 at 12:01am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at the airport about to leave for my business trip. In the restroom, I put my purse on the edge of the sink and got my lipstick out. I leaned closer to apply my lipstick and my open purse fell into the sink, triggering the automatic faucet, filling my purse with water. FML

by Anonymous / 12/18/2009 at 6:10pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a park and sat down next to this older lady. These kids started to fight and scream at each other. I leaned next to her and said, "Man am I glad those aren't MY kids." She turned to me and said, "Yeah, they're mine." FML

by Sardine / 12/18/2009 at 5:14pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I slipped as I was about to take a shower, knocking myself out cold. I woke up to someone banging on my door. It was a cop checking to see if I was okay. When I asked how he knew to come, he said he was notified by "a male neighbor who called anonymously." I guess I have a peeping Tom. FML

by ThatAintLogical / 12/18/2009 at 3:46pm / United States (Louisiana) / Health

Today, a woman pushed me at the bar and told me how much she's always hated me. She was my grade five teacher. FML

by flurina / 12/18/2009 at 3:44pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister and I got into a fight. I came home to find everything in my room covered in ketchup. FML

by Anonymous / 12/18/2009 at 3:27pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous