Today, I went to go meet my new upstairs neighbor, only to find out nobody actually moved in. The noises that have been coming from up there were made by rats. Lots of them. FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2010 at 12:52pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, we got our family pictures back from the printers. I complained to my mom about the ones she picked. "Oh don't worry," she said. "I had them photoshop out your gut." I was talking about my smile. FML

by Me / 01/12/2010 at 12:11am / United States (Montana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room. I promptly covered my eyes and muttered something about my innocence being stolen from me. My dad looked up from the couch, and mentioned that he had heard my innocence being stolen by Jake, my boyfriend from 2 years ago. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2010 at 9:25pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, the little boy I nanny for finally stood up and went 'pee-pee on the potty'. I started cheering and clapping, making a big deal out of it. I flushed while he smiled proudly and pooped on the floor. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2010 at 1:08pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, I found out that a water pipe at my work had burst over the weekend. There is absolutely no water in the building, including the bathrooms. It's a 9 hour day, and I took a laxative this morning before I came in. FML

by bs_happens / 01/11/2010 at 10:28am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

by wrecked / 01/11/2010 at 8:43am / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date, destination unknown. I dressed up, he had a tux on. We went to McDonalds. FML

by krisx3ftw / 01/11/2010 at 8:25am / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2010 at 3:09am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my mom found a pack of cigarettes in my pocket. She hates smoking, so she tore every single cigarette to pieces, then emptied a bag of kitty litter on them. On my bed. FML

by alexbobalex / 01/11/2010 at 2:23am / Aland Islands / Health

Today, I talked myself out of buying $1 candle at the Dollar Tree. That's how broke I am. FML

by Pauper / 01/11/2010 at 2:20am / United States (Connecticut) / Money

Today, I sneezed with so much force while I was driving that I whacked my head on the steering wheel and honked the horn. FML

by Hayley / 01/10/2010 at 10:37pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that I will never be able to buy the car I've wanted since middle school. The car? A greyish-silver Volvo, which is the make and color of car Kurt Cobain drove. The reason? I've been informed that it's also the make and color of the car that Edward Cullen drives in Twilight. FML

by coinoperatedgirl / 01/10/2010 at 8:04pm / United States (Minnesota) / Geek

Today, my mom explained the benefits of douching to me with my boyfriend right there. He began arguing with her about how the vagina is usually self-cleaning. FML

by CD / 01/10/2010 at 7:24pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy