Today, I had to teach my 13-year-old sister that sugar and salt don't, "cancel each other out to make the taste neutral". FML

by poormanslucyliu1 / 11/06/2016 at 9:28pm / Kids

Today, the smoke detector in my bedroom malfunctioned and started going off while my cat was asleep on my shoulder. He panicked and deeply lacerated my nose with his claw as he ran off. Blood got everywhere, and to add insult to injury the unit has no removable battery and wouldn't turn off. FML

by WhoNose / 11/06/2016 at 6:52pm / Animals

Today, I was so tired at the pet store I was working at that I accidentally offered a kid a dog treat instead of their dog. He ate it. While his mom watched. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2016 at 8:50am / Work

Today, I got severe diarrhea while out dancing with friends. On my way home, I got hit with the urge again. I couldn't find an open toilet and I had to resort to relieving myself in an alley. FML

by Redhairchick / 11/06/2016 at 2:08am / Health

Today, I saw a photo on Facebook of all my best friends from high school together at a 50th birthday party I wasn't invited to. I knew the birthday guy for longer than any of them and introduced everyone in high school. They wouldn't even know him without me. FML

by scooterbyrd / 11/06/2016 at 1:08am / Miscellaneous

Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML

by hashtag67 / 11/05/2016 at 5:08am / Work

Today, my cat used his expensive new bed for the first time since he got it last month. He used it as a litter box. FML

by All The Best People Are Crazy~ / 11/03/2016 at 11:49pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, it's been three days since I told this guy I liked him and he told me he liked me. It's also been three days since he contacted me. So, I called his phone and I was told by someone that they were attributed that number three days ago. I think it's safe to say the feelings weren't mutual. FML

by myfuturelover / 11/03/2016 at 11:43pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I felt so self-conscious about my gut, I pushed it out and pretended I was pregnant rather than sucking it in. FML

by bloated / 11/03/2016 at 10:46pm / Australia (Queensland) / Health

Today, weeks after I paid extra for faster shipping, I received confirmation that my paperwork for overseas voting has been received. Too bad the deadline in my state was yesterday. Thanks, Postal Service, for the consistency of your failures. FML

by voicelesspeasant / 11/03/2016 at 4:41pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I almost got hit by a car because the kid in the back who was wearing headphones was paying more attention to the road than the driver. He only just stopped her. FML

by Jelly_Hell / 11/03/2016 at 4:24pm / Transportation

Today, I work as an assistant to a sculptor. We finished all our projects early so his wife decided to have me clean their kitchen. I wasn't paying attention and picked up a dead mouse. I screamed and threw it away as hard as I could. It hit their five-year-old son in the face. FML

by mouseart / 11/03/2016 at 10:51am / Work

Today, I received a letter from my landlord's attorney. It said my landlord is terminating my "verbal" lease with him. Ten years ago, the deal began as rent to own. My landlord is my grandfather. FML

by AboutToBeHomeless / 11/03/2016 at 9:16am / Money