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Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

#21500277
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20424) - you deserved it (2091)

On 12/05/2015 at 1:49am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my 6-year-old daughter watched The Lion King for the first time. Now, whenever I ask her to do something, she replies "Hakuna Matata" and doesn't even get up. I think she took "no worries" to mean "don't give a shit about anything". FML

#21500134
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23354) - you deserved it (2635)

On 12/04/2015 at 7:32pm - kids - by anon (woman) - United States

Today, after years of loneliness, I met the most amazing girl on Omegle. We spoke for ages and really clicked. But before either of us could exchange numbers, I lost my internet connection and her along with it. FML

#21500041
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23946) - you deserved it (3084)

On 12/04/2015 at 2:00pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to get a piece of apple that was stuck in between my teeth. A chunk of my tooth came out instead. FML

Today, even though I've been studying and working with children and adolescents for the last 14 years, I've come to find that their parents' behavior tends to be worse than their children's. FML

Today, I presented my assigned chapter for a book we're currently reading in my English class. I really like the book, so I've been reading ahead. When I summarized the chapter, I accidentally spoiled a major plot twist that was actually in the next chapter. FML

#21500015
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16649) - you deserved it (12086)

On 12/04/2015 at 12:50pm - misc - by shake666 (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I spoke to a highly recommended therapist for my special-needs child. After 45 minutes of describing our challenges, heartbreaks and other very personal information, she told me that her schedule was permanently full. But she invited me to go through the phone book to find someone else. FML

Today, I was getting my picture taken with my mom and grandma for a portrait. I said it was going to be beautiful when it was done, with three generations of our family in it. My grandma said that would be true, if I weren't adopted. FML

#21499650
38 comments

Today, I grazed my hand over the bottom of my desk's keyboard tray, and found something sticky. I gagged when I realized it was jizz, and I immediately washed my hands and wiped everything. I then checked my browser history, which was full of porn. Thanks, roomie. FML

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came. A lot. I doubt I'll remember it as anything other than, "The day I found out what sneezing semen feels like." FML

#21499606
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23431) - you deserved it (3460)

On 12/03/2015 at 7:52am - intimacy - by snortingspunk (woman) - South Africa

Today, while at a fastfood restaurant, I wanted to wash my hands. The restrooms were locked, so a cashier got the key and opened the mens restroom. This would have been fine if I wasn't a girl. FML

#21499551
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16804) - you deserved it (1924)

On 12/03/2015 at 12:50am - misc - by turtles_yup (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my mother found out I published a book. She demanded that I pay her all my royalties as repayment for her raising me. FML

#21499372
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21437) - you deserved it (1347)

On 12/02/2015 at 5:18pm - money - by Notfamous (woman) - United States (Mississippi)

Today, after being sick all day with the flu, I asked my husband to wash the dishes after I went to bed. He said he couldn't because he had a large, important project for work that needed to get done. I woke up a couple of hours later to find him smoking weed on the couch and watching cartoons. FML

#21499350
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20725) - you deserved it (2192)

On 12/02/2015 at 3:45pm - love - by shotdown (woman) - United States (California)



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