Today, I'm working an 8-hour shift on less than 3 hours of sleep. In order to stay awake, I chugged 3 Red Bulls. Now I can't feel my face. FML

Today, I went on a date with a guy who told me his main aim in life is to live alone in an isolated lighthouse. FML

by datingfail / 08/14/2016 at 8:06am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

by Anonymous / 08/14/2016 at 2:16am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I woke to the sound of my baby crying at 4 a.m. I also heard my partner snoring, knowing he was not beside me and the baby was not in her crib, I went into the nursery. There was my crying baby laying across my snoring partner's chest. Guess he fell asleep during feeding time. FML

Today, a man finally was flirting with me in a supermarket checkout lane, even offering to help unload my groceries onto the conveyor. Turns out he was just distracting everyone so his partner in crime could steal $200 from the cash register. I had to give a witness statement to the manager. FML

by lonelyheart4ever / 08/12/2016 at 9:58pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my bitchy manager got back from vacation. To be nice, I asked her how it was. She said "not long enough". I mumbled "I agree". She definitely heard. FML.

Today, I woke up at 3:45 am, and got ready to leave my house before 5, since I needed to be at my new job for orientation at 6. When I got there, I realized they actually meant 6 pm. FML

by SeriouslyEvery / 08/11/2016 at 12:12pm / United States (New York) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, two customers complained about the shitty service they received from my coworkers. I apologized and asked about the complaint. Their issues were legitimate and I promised to pass them on. They demanded to speak to my manager and my coworkers got in trouble. Now they think I'm a snitch. FML

by Anonymous / 08/11/2016 at 8:40am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, the VP of my company stopped by my desk to personally deliver praise on my recent performance. I watched in helpless horror as the noxious fart I had just released slapped him in the face. He was too polite to leave but gagged through his entire speech. If farts can kill careers... FML

by FartMyLife / 08/11/2016 at 7:34am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, my car broke down on my way home from university. I tried calling for help, only to realise my phone had completely run out of charge. Luckily, I had passed a police station so I decided to walk the 10 minutes down the road to ask for a phone. When I got there, the station was closed. FML

by supercalifragilisticexpialidocious / 08/11/2016 at 4:33am / Australia (Western Australia) / Transportation

Today, I woke up to my husband peeing on the floor. He managed to pee in two open clothes drawers and on the pants I was going to wear to work tomorrow. Before I left earlier he promised he wouldn't get smashed tonight. FML

by PeeEverywhere / 08/11/2016 at 1:48am / Love

Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me out to lunch. I was nervous we wouldn't have anything to talk about. He spent the entire hour talking about how amazing his new girlfriend is. FML

by Anonymous / 08/10/2016 at 4:53pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I found a parking spot in front of my work. I parked and another car pulled into the spot just in front of me. The next thing I know, the car in front backs up and slams into my car. Turns out she didn't notice the fire hydrant next to her spot and screamed at me cause I, "stole her spot." FML

by denting-and-venting / 08/10/2016 at 4:05pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation