Today, I discovered that my band section had misspelled my name as "Joke" on our section poster. On purpose. It's supposed to be Jake. FML

by storrent / 10/05/2016 at 12:18pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, a customer at work asked me to ring her a taxi. The phone number she gave me was for a company 250 miles away. The woman on the other end thought I was deranged. FML

by rufus_t_firefly / 10/03/2016 at 2:48pm / United Kingdom (Leicester) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I told my wife that she gets 100% of me and I keep nothing from her. She told me she doesn't want it and that I should get counseling. FML

by Rejected / 10/03/2016 at 12:00pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, while on the skytrain, a woman leaned on the railing bar that I was holding onto, crushing my hand. My first instinct was to move my hand when she turned around and began loudly yelling at me for, "Touching her waist" and "Sexually harassing" her. FML

by Whyudodis / 10/01/2016 at 3:18am / Canada (British Columbia) / Transportation

Today, I found out my brand new $3,000 mattress that is supposed to relieve my back pain works amazingly. I only discovered this because my wife, son, daughter, dog, and two cats are all asleep on it and not waking up. FML

by Anonymous / 09/30/2016 at 1:53am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML

by mavrick127 / 09/29/2016 at 10:21am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years in front of the sell-out crowd at the baseball game, but at the security checkpoint, the security guard made me take the ring out and open it after I walked through the metal detector. No need to say it, worst proposal ever. FML

by Malcolm654 / 09/28/2016 at 11:20pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML

by SoDamnBroke / 09/28/2016 at 9:13am / South Africa / Money

Today, my boyfriend and I wanted to kayak. On the way, I told him I had to go back to our hotel because I needed the bathroom and didn't want a public one to smell. Once back in the elevator at the hotel, it got stuck. For an hour. I pooped myself and had to wait 40 minutes after that for help. FML

by ItWasOurAnniversary / 09/28/2016 at 8:08am / Australia / Health

Today, my girlfriend tried to hook me up with a guy. It's the second time it happened since I met her. FML

by DrawingWaves / 09/27/2016 at 6:36pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML

by Screamslikeagirl / 09/27/2016 at 3:17pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was showing my crush/co-worker how to operate a particular piece of machinery. She exclaimed out loud, "Oh! This knob pulls out," then mumbled under her breath, "unlike my boyfriend." FML

by nicetoknow / 09/26/2016 at 8:57am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, a girl introduced herself to me with the line, "Hi, I'm Anna. I have a boyfriend." FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2016 at 8:11am / United States (Virginia) / Love