Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend of 5 years. I love her so much and I've been treating her extremely well. Before I could pop the question, she said in these exact words: "Babe, our relationship is like a drunken night. Fun while it lasted but its something I'd rather forget." FML

by singleandheartbroken / 08/17/2009 at 8:04am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I borrowed a roommate's car to get groceries. I came out to find the car stolen. I called the cops, and the responding officer took the info and drove me home to give the roomie the bad news in person. 15 minutes later, they found the car. I'd parked it on the opposite side of the lot. FML

by SenescentSouthernBoy / 08/17/2009 at 4:42am / United States (North Dakota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was home alone and I started to sing Halo by Beyonce. I was starting to get into it and began singing with more passion until the phone rang. It was my neighbor begging me to please shut the hell up. FML

by Ricky / 08/16/2009 at 9:00pm / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was with her. No, let me correct myself. Today, my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was in her. FML

by Anonymous / 08/16/2009 at 2:53pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML

by Anonymous / 08/16/2009 at 1:14pm / United States (Kansas) / Love

Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pussy. FML

by Steve / 08/16/2009 at 1:04pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, I was driving on the freeway and there was a dead animal (I think a cat) in the road. The car in front of me decided to merge over. It kicked up part of the dead animal and sent it flying through my open window. I think I got hit in the face with a piece of foot. FML

by travinator121611 / 08/16/2009 at 12:32pm / United States (California) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I finished writing the most perfect love letter for this girl at summer school. At the end of the letter I signed: Your secret admirer. Cute, right? Not really. Turns out I was so anxious to finish the letter that I ended up writing my name at the bottom. FML

by footyfallout / 08/16/2009 at 1:17am / Canada (Quebec) / Love

Today, I'm having my housewarming party and had prepared food, drink and games for all the 19 confirmed guests on Facebook. I waited till 11 but nobody showed up. I checked Facebook again and realized I had accidentally put tomorrow as the party date. I have to work the whole day tomorrow. FML

by revalc / 08/16/2009 at 12:35am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was planning on asking out a girl I've been really close to for a few months now. I was with her when I got a forward text from my friend. It was from the girl and it said "noooo tell him not to ask me out I don't like him." I got rejected via forward text before I told her how I felt. FML

by Tgreject / 08/16/2009 at 12:33am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I was working at a shoe store and was helping a dude try on shoes. He looked like trouble and I wanted to finish with him. When he finally picked his shoes, he abruptly stood up and ran out of the store with the shoes on. The cost of them was deducted from my salary. $240. FML

by smallpaycheck / 08/15/2009 at 8:49pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Money

Today, I invited everyone to a gig I'm playing at a bar. They closed it down just for me when I told them how many people were attending, and I spent all day setting it up. Turns out nobody showed up besides my mom, my dad, and 2 of my cousins. I still had to play 7 songs in front of them. FML

by playinmyguitar / 08/15/2009 at 11:02am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, after having a few beers at a bar, I gave my ticket to the valet to get my car. I tipped the man $2 and he gave me a huge smile and thanked me a lot as I left. I thought the guy was just really appreciative for those $2 until I got home and saw one of the $100 bills in my wallet was gone. FML

by whooops / 08/15/2009 at 9:56am / United States (New Jersey) / Money