Today, I was house sitting by myself and I texted my mom saying how thankful I was that she was trusting me and not checking up on me. That night I threw a party at the house. My mom showed up to check on me because my text was "suspicious". FML

by idiot / 07/28/2009 at 12:15pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, on my way to work I stopped at a winery and spent around $120 on 2 bottles of wine for my boss, since it was his birthday. When I gave him the gift, in exchange he let me know I am being laid off - his consolation was "if you can afford this wine I'm sure you'll be OK". FML

by JobHunter / 07/28/2009 at 8:27am / Malta / Work

Today, I saw this cute girl at a bar and decided to go and chat her up. After charming her with my usual crap for a while, I told her she was really pretty and asked for her number. She replied "You asshole, I met you here a year ago and gave you my number, and you never called me." FML

by Anonymous / 07/28/2009 at 6:55am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, a friend asked me if I could help him set up the stage for his wedding. Feeling honored that he considered me a close enough friend to aid him on his special day, I agreed to help. Turns out we aren't so close. I was asked to leave after I was done because I hadn't actually been invited. FML

by partypooper / 07/28/2009 at 2:34am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting in the break room at work eating lunch when I started to choke. My face turned red and tears began welling up in my eyes. Two of my coworkers were there. They began to argue over who would have to give me the heimlich maneuver rather than helping. FML

by swaiteATC / 07/28/2009 at 12:11am / United States (Mississippi) / Health

Today, my dad asked me if i started smoking, I gave him a big speech about how I never have and never will. Two hours later he finds my stash of cigarettes under my bed. FML

by bbbeast / 07/27/2009 at 10:42pm / United Kingdom (Kirklees) / Miscellaneous

Today, while spray painting a rocking horse for my kids I left the can outside in the sun. When I picked it up it was hot to the touch and I dropped it. It exploded on impact and now I am more blue than the rocking horse. FML

by usafprog / 07/27/2009 at 4:08pm / United States (Alabama) / Animals

Today, I brought my lunch to work in the only box I had lying around my apartment - a small one from FedEx. When I went to the bathroom before lunch, I returned to my desk to find that one of my coworkers had mailed my lunch back to my apartment. FML

by fedexed / 07/27/2009 at 3:12pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

by webperson04 / 07/27/2009 at 3:07pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that my wife had an affair with another guy. She met him while we were on a trip in another state for marriage counseling. The reason we were in marriage counseling was because she had no desire for sex, and we had gone for two years without it. FML

by imatool / 07/27/2009 at 1:36pm / United States (Texas) / Holidays

Today, my father pulled me aside right before heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your short's pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML

by condom_kid / 07/27/2009 at 10:34am / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I drove six hours with a friend to see one of her favorite bands in concert. We were turned away at the door because the online site didn't say we had to be 21 to enter. I drove six hours back with nothing to show for it but an empty gas tank and useless tickets. FML

by Anonymous / 07/27/2009 at 5:38am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was a pretty nice day so I decided I would take a walk through the park to get to work instead of driving. Healthier and better for the planet, right? Wrong. Some little bratty kids were bored apparently and decided to hide behind trees and peg me with water balloons. FML

by waterballoons / 07/27/2009 at 4:35am / United States (California) / Transportation