Today, I went for a run. I ended up being tackled by two cops, handcuffed, and dragged to the station with no explanation. Turns out a house nearby had been robbed and the best description they got was 'A man running'. I didn't even get an apology. FML

by Anonymous / 08/01/2009 at 12:30am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mum deleted my college research assignment on rape because the subject was too vulgar. I had worked on it for the past month and it was worth 50% of my grade. It's due tomorrow. FML

by mandy / 07/31/2009 at 9:51pm / Australia (Queensland) / Work

Today, I gave my wife of four years a special anniversary gift: a red rose dipped in liquid gold so that she would cherish and admire it forever. She told me it was too "Italian" looking. I now have a hundred dollar rose sitting in my office. FML

by WiltedFlower / 07/31/2009 at 12:02pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML

by roofer / 07/31/2009 at 11:14am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

by Anonymous / 07/31/2009 at 11:10am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, at work, I fell asleep. This is how I discovered that when I'm sleeping, and am scared awake by my boss with an air horn, I yelp louder than a terrier and piss my pants. FML

by pisspantsjob / 07/31/2009 at 1:25am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I covered for my friend at work because he said he was having car troubles and was going to be late. Two hours into the shift, I got a call from my roommate asking why my girlfriend had moved out. Turns out, I'd covered my friend's shift so he could help my girlfriend move out behind my back. FML

by Anonymous / 07/30/2009 at 11:44pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, after receiving a message about being hired at a retail store, I went to the orientation for new employees. The trainer seemed perplexed when I told him my name, but he gave me my paperwork and continued with training. At the end of the 8 hour day, he asked to talk to me. I wasn't actually hired. FML

by LMN / 07/30/2009 at 9:30pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

by thesockmancometh / 07/30/2009 at 11:21am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my 8 year old little sister said "f you" to my mom. My mom thought I told her to say that and grounded me for a month. Later, my sister came up to me and said "Gotcha, bitch." FML

by Toaster / 07/30/2009 at 11:11am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, my friends had ditched me for a party I hadn't been invited to so I was sitting home alone. The only other thing in my house was the mosquito I nicknamed Fred. I liked to watch Fred fly around and try to suck my blood. 20 minutes later, I found Fred's dead body. I was actually sad. FML

by dumbo / 07/30/2009 at 10:43am / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML

by verysadasian / 07/30/2009 at 10:21am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I worked in a clinic as a intern. A nurse was called to dry a woman's hair. I followed her, trying to be a good intern. After the nurse was done, the 72 year old woman took off her bathrobe. While looking at me she sat down, her legs wide open. And, yes, she knew she was naked. FML

by Anonymous / 07/30/2009 at 9:33am / Germany (Baden-Wurttemberg) / Work