Today, I decided to go get my hair cut because it was getting a bit long. I told the lady that I wanted it way short and she replied "Why? You will look like a guy sweetie." I am a guy. FML

by theboywithlonghair / 09/09/2009 at 12:24am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2009 at 12:22am / United States / Kids

Today, I played a goth character in my friend's student film with goth clothes, lip ring, eyeliner, etc. We went into Starbucks at break and an elderly man came up to me and said "Your kind is the reason for all the bad stuff in this world" and then spat in my $5 drink. FML

by comet5002 / 09/09/2009 at 12:15am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend told me she didn't want to get it on with me because she didn't want to ruin my innocence. FML

by Magnus_the_Red / 09/09/2009 at 12:13am / United States (Nebraska) / Intimacy

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

by JuicyJohn / 09/08/2009 at 9:33pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was doing laundry at college. There was a pile of clothes sitting on top of a dryer, but the dryer was empty so I used it. I came back to a note saying, "Don't touch my laundry, asshole" and a dryer filled with urine soaked laundry. FML

by easrc / 09/08/2009 at 7:42pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2009 at 3:02pm / United States (Tennessee) / Health

Today, after a few drinks with some mates at a bar, we were invited to the dancefloor with some girls. After some dancing and flirting, I felt a cheeky squeeze on my backside, and so I quickly returned the favour without looking back. A few minutes later at the bar, I realised my wallet was gone. FML

by Dopeydancer / 09/08/2009 at 9:12am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Money

Today, I spent hours consoling my girlfriend for getting dumped by the guy she was cheating on me with. FML

by nitwit / 09/08/2009 at 8:29am / Greece (Attiki) / Love

Today, I met a nice girl and decided to ask her out. Later on she showed me a picture of her with her family, she was wearing red and everyone else black. I said jokingly "you look like the adopted child" only to find out that her had parents died and she was indeed adopted. FML

by WanstinChurchHill / 09/08/2009 at 3:11am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I stepped on the MacBook Air I purchased 4 days ago. The screen snapped in two, and I didn't buy insurance because I promised myself I would be "extra careful." $3500 well spent. FML

by AyDiosMio42 / 09/08/2009 at 2:31am / United States (New York) / Money

Today, I went to the emergency room. Apparently, when your ex-girlfriend hits you in the nuts with a bat, it can do some damage. FML

by FAIL / 09/08/2009 at 1:29am / United States (Oklahoma) / Kids

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother." FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2009 at 12:16am / United States (California) / Intimacy