Today, whilst I was in a corner deli getting snacks, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to drive the car 50m down the street so that I would be confused when I come out... She was picked up by a cop driving without her license and now my car is impounded for 28 days. FML

by Anonymous / 09/29/2009 at 1:29pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Transportation

Today, I went to eat with my girlfriend, her parents and my mother. My mother complained about every aspect of the service. When I told her she needed to assert herself, she took her pocketbook and hit me over the head. The whole restaurant stared at us while she yelled "Is that assertive enough?" FML

by User06606 / 09/29/2009 at 7:31am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was drinking in the park with my friends. Being drunk, I relieved myself on a nearby tree. Unknown to me, a 4 year old was having her birthday party 100 yards away. I was arrested for public intoxication and exposing myself to a minor. FML

by Anonymous / 09/29/2009 at 2:47am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was chastised by the CEO in the middle of a management meeting for showing up late to work every day, despite being in my office before 9:00am every morning. It was my 5th day on the job and no one had bothered to tell me that the office opens at 8:00am, and not 9:00am. FML

by Anonymous / 09/29/2009 at 1:26am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I found out the reason my clothes have been smelling a little funny isn't because I sweat heavily, it's because of the dead rat in the back of my dryer. FML

by Anonymous / 09/29/2009 at 12:43am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to flirt with my girlfriend since I'm really busy and we can't always be together. I tell her online that I think she's hot and she responds "Keep talking I have to pee". FML

by Anonymous / 09/29/2009 at 12:38am / United States / Love

Today, I open my front door and saw a covered basket with a card from my girlfriend on it. I picked it up and read, "Hope this cheers you up." I uncovered the basket to find a golden labrador puppy. Its eyes were closed and it wasn't breathing. FML

by rainedaddy / 09/29/2009 at 12:17am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got fired from my job for not "interacting with customers." That's understandable. The thing is, my job didn't actually include any customer interaction. FML

by justfired / 09/28/2009 at 10:57pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Work

Today, I learned that if you're going to tell your mother you are gay, make sure she isn't holding a frying pan filled with hot grease. FML

by Anonymous / 09/28/2009 at 5:00pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, my little sister asked what masturbation was. We were having a family dinner with my grandparents. My mother then said, "Why don't you ask your brother? He is a pro." FML

by namhtor / 09/28/2009 at 3:20pm / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy

Today, I had a meeting with the CEO about a promising job with good pay and benefits. Upon meeting, we immediately recognized each other. He was someone I used to make fun of in school all the time. He responded by refusing to interview me and had security throw me out by force. Karma bites. FML

by SucksToBeMe / 09/28/2009 at 2:31pm / United States (Nevada) / Work

Today, I talked to a girl on the phone who had previously told me her last relationship "ended very badly." I said, "So let me guess, that jerk cheated on you?" She paused for a few moments and finally replied, "No, he died in a motorcycle accident." FML

by Greg / 09/28/2009 at 1:34pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, while wearing my Navy Dress White Uniform, I decided to stop and help this attractive girl who was not feeling well. Without warning, she blew chunks all over my "Whites". I have a uniform inspection later this afternoon. FML

by mnavy / 09/28/2009 at 12:24pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous