Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the rash I've been getting in my underarms, behind my knees and sometimes on my face. Turns out I'm allergic to sweat. I'm a varsity rugby coach, gym teacher, and I just shelled out a stack of cash to get a sauna and steam room installed in my house. FML

by FilthyIke / 08/21/2009 at 4:17pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I was told by this big guy from school that I needed to stop stalking his girlfriend, and stop following her home from school. She's my neighbor. FML

by ostfae / 08/21/2009 at 4:13pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on a flight coming back home. On my right was a fat monk who was snoring very loudly, and on my left there were two old women who were talking about their teenage love lives in detail. The flight was 17 hours long. FML

by ihatelongflights / 08/21/2009 at 12:18pm / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, I gathered the courage to ask my crush on a date. As I called her, she quickly answered and said "Can't talk right now, I'm in a movie theater." and then hung up. I'd called her home phone. FML

by sophistication / 08/21/2009 at 11:36am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I was on the elevator going up to a meeting, and the elevator was getting more and more crowded as we went up. After about ten people got on, they all agreed that I should get off the elevator because they thought me being on was exceeding the weight limit. FML

by tryingatkins / 08/21/2009 at 5:27am / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I was on a date with a girl I've had feelings for since I was 14 (I'm 22). I took her out to dinner, then to a movie that we both liked and had a few drinks afterwards. I thought it was going really well until I was driving her home and she asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's house. FML

by tacoboy / 08/21/2009 at 4:06am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, everyone in my department got a raise except for me. Last week, I had been the one who asked for a raise for me and my fellow department members. FML

by Anonymous / 08/21/2009 at 12:52am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, in Burger King, I was leaning against the railing looking at the menu. I saw an old man using the rail to walk, so I got out of the way. He ran his hand across my back and said "You're so cute, I'd like to take you home and lock you in my basement naked so you can't leave" and walked out. FML

by Anonymous / 08/21/2009 at 12:01am / United States (North Dakota) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my first day of school as a freshman. I soon became lost and decided to ask a senior for directions to my class. They smiled at me and said "It's on the third floor to the right." After ten minutes of walking up and down stairs and hallways, I discovered there is no third floor. FML

by Anonymous / 08/20/2009 at 7:34pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. When I asked her why she did, she said that the psychic that she was texting (one of those 44644 numbers) said we have a 2% compatibility rating. How does that explain 4 years of happy dating? FML

by ihatemylife / 08/20/2009 at 1:50pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, an extremely attractive woman from FedEx came to deliver my new phone. I was wearing athletic shorts and had an erection. She looked down and laughed. FML

by littleguy / 08/20/2009 at 11:55am / United States (Nevada) / Intimacy

Today, was the first day all week I got to sleep in. I woke up this beautiful morning to the sun shining in my window and hundreds of carpenter ants crawling over my sheets and me. FML

by tommy3824 / 08/20/2009 at 8:45am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML

by GroosedOut / 08/20/2009 at 8:32am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous