Today, I was paying for coffee and accidentally touched hands with the girl behind the counter. As I was walking home, I realised that was the closest I've been to getting laid in two years. FML

by swedishguy / 10/05/2009 at 1:22pm / Sweden (Skane Lan) / Intimacy

Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML

by Bento / 10/05/2009 at 1:27am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking in my backyard. All I was wearing were my boxers and one sock. I staggered up to see my car halfway through my garage wall with a note saying "Sorry Dude". FML

by Anonymous / 10/05/2009 at 1:11am / Canada (British Columbia) / Transportation

Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML

by Painful / 10/05/2009 at 12:16am / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, I went to a store to buy a man's thong because my girlfriend wanted me to. When I went in I also grabbed some lingerie for her. Thinking I was being clever I wrapped it up in a t-shirt so no one would notice and went to checkout. The cashier then called for a price check on the thong. FML

by danskinnow / 10/04/2009 at 10:01pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, I did a 3 hour long assignment for school. I was bored so I gave it the title "F***ing Assignment for a F***ing Teacher." I went downstairs only to discover that the printer was out of ink. So I sent it to her email, then I realized that I didn't change the title. FML

by BadStuden / 10/04/2009 at 9:47pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Work

Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML

by walker / 10/04/2009 at 5:33pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I drove my cousin to her wedding. The photographer said I was too ugly for the official photos so they searched the crowd for a good looking guy to pose as the driver in my new car. No one in the crowd stopped to defend me. My mom told me it's my own fault. FML

by CapeRanger / 10/04/2009 at 2:13pm / South Africa (Limpopo) / Miscellaneous

Today, after weeks of therapy for severe depression, my therapist thought it would be helpful to confess my deepest problems to my friends, to prove that it was alright to trust people. I did. They laughed. Hard. FML

by backtosquareone / 10/04/2009 at 5:42am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I made a tuna sandwich. It was really nice , so I looked at the label to see what brand it was. Turns out it wasn't tuna. It was fancy cat food. FML

by Rizzle / 10/04/2009 at 3:50am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Animals

Today, I woke up after a heavy night of drinking, with my laptop dead on my chest. Apparently, I had attempted a bit of digital penile oscillation, but passed out instead. FML

by masterfail / 10/04/2009 at 1:04am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I got invited to a big upperclassmen party that underclassmen don't normally get invited to. I was feeling really good when I got there and saw that the girl I'm in love with was there. They stole my pants and gave me a swirly. Her reaction was to post pictures on Facebook. FML

by wetandpantsless / 10/04/2009 at 12:15am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to dress in all black with a ski mask and use my spare key to break into my house as a joke. He though it was even funnier when I jumped out the window and broke my leg. FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2009 at 1:55pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous