Today, I had my leaving party after work to celebrate getting a new job. 3 people turned up. I'd invited 35. FML

by Dan / 10/08/2009 at 12:13pm / United Kingdom (Harrow) / Work

Today, I took my new laptop into my house from my car, thinking it would be a too much of a target for kids grabbing it. I came home tonight to find my door kicked in, my laptop gone and my TV ripped from the wall. FML

by wheatsnake / 10/08/2009 at 9:31am / Australia (Western Australia) / Money

Today, while I was making love to my wife, she looks up and says, "I'll paint the ceiling white." FML

by JD / 10/08/2009 at 1:41am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I was helping my elderly landlady (75 years old) carry in her groceries. She said "Thanks" and then handed me a notice of eviction. FML

by Anonymous / 10/08/2009 at 12:24am / Canada (Alberta) / Money

Today, on my break, I decided to be friendly and chat with a co-worker that everyone else always seems to avoid. He spent the next ten minutes telling me all about his abcessing sebaceous cysts. Apparently, "The scars look just like gunshot wounds." FML

by loverofstrife / 10/07/2009 at 6:36pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I was chewing my pen while I was paying attention to my teacher. I chewed a bit too hard, and something broke off, so I casually looked at my pen. It was unharmed. One of my front teeth had broken off. Everyone in class, including the teacher, had to see it before I could call my dentist. FML

by Nochnoii / 10/07/2009 at 4:07pm / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Health

Today, my wife told me that the only reason she gets it on with me is for the extra calorie burn. FML

by fatnick / 10/07/2009 at 1:06pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML

by dinosaurman / 10/07/2009 at 12:07pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML

by shitballs_911 / 10/07/2009 at 7:13am / United Kingdom (Kingston upon Thames) / Miscellaneous

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

by ScaryOldMan / 10/07/2009 at 3:57am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I was in an exam and was chewing the end of my pen, stuck on a question. My mouth filled up with ink. I wasn't allowed to leave, so I had to sit for another hour with a foul-tasting blue tongue and a half-working pen. FML

by shoeaddiikt / 10/07/2009 at 3:48am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was teaching a woodshop class. We were using power tools, including drills, and pieces of pine wood. While helping a kid to hold a piece to practice drilling, he went too far forward with the drill. It went through my hand. FML

by screwed / 10/07/2009 at 3:05am / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I found out that my parents are 28,000 dollars in debt and that my bank account has $27.17 in it. They took my money to help pay their debt. FML

by armenta427 / 10/07/2009 at 12:12am / United States / Money