Today, my girlfriend told me how disappointed and depressed she was that she could never make me hard. She started ranting about her looks and how she fails at everything. I didn't know how to reply. I was hard while she told me. FML

by timmynotjimmy / 10/27/2009 at 9:28pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend's best friend was dumped, and was absolutely depressed. My girlfriend thought she'd show her sympathy by breaking up with me so they "could be single together." FML

by dumped / 10/27/2009 at 7:13pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I noticed that I've been spelling my company's name wrong in my email signature for over a year. FML

by nobodyreadsmyemails / 10/27/2009 at 6:24pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I took a trip to Wal-Mart. There's a car wash that they conveniently built right outside of this Wal-Mart. So as I was leaving, I decided to make use of this car wash, not even thinking about the $200 worth of groceries I had just purchased. I drive a pick-up truck. FML

by dave / 10/27/2009 at 11:36am / United States / Transportation

Today, my telephone line was hit by lightning. I discovered that not only will lightning fry a router, it will also destroy any PCs connected to that router via network cables. I also discovered that a $10 phone line surge protector would have saved nearly $3,000 worth of PC equipment. FML

by MotherNatureMustDie / 10/27/2009 at 8:32am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Miscellaneous

Today, in the gym, as I bent over to pick up my weights an old man farted right in my face. The stench was appalling. To make matters worse, a girl I've fancied for ages thought it was me and reported it to the instructor. I was told to leave for 'anti-social behavior'. FML

by Anonymous / 10/27/2009 at 6:28am / United Kingdom (London) / Health

Today, the door to my daughter's room became jammed and wouldn't open while she was in the room. Being resourceful, I grabbed my ladder and climbed up to her window, only to end up stuck in her window. I'm not sure what was worse, getting stuck, or being laughed at by my neighbors for a while. FML

by Chub / 10/27/2009 at 12:45am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I'm single. Last night, I decided it would be silly to leave my phone in my car before I went to my roommate's brother's birthday party. Highlights of the evening include: Beer Pong, a keg stand, and breaking up with my girlfriend via text message. I don't remember the last one. She does. FML

by P4ntless / 10/26/2009 at 6:18pm / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, while filling out some medical forms, I was asked for an emergency contact. I realized I didn't have anyone who would actually care enough to be my contact. FML

by meagainsttheworld / 10/26/2009 at 5:43pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was reading in my bed, and my cat was lying on my chest. I noticed something white on my cat's leg. I'm far-sighted and wasn't wearing my glasses, so I didn't see what it was. I touched it and put on my glasses. Turns out it was a worm hanging out of my cat's anus. It started wiggling. FML

by K.H / 10/26/2009 at 12:42pm / Sweden (Dalarnas Lan) / Animals

Today, I witnessed a homeless man fall off of his bike and land face first onto the pavement. Bleeding and shivering in the 40 degree weather, I gave him the coat off of my back. He got up like nothing happened and sprinted away with it. Oh yeah, my wallet was in the inside pocket. FML

by Anonymous / 10/26/2009 at 10:43am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw an article that Burger King is selling a whopper with seven patties in celebration of the Windows Seven release. Upon reading this, I immediately got an extremely forceful erection. I think this is a sign to stop putting off that diet. FML

by Brian / 10/26/2009 at 12:25am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I searched myself on Facebook. I have a fan page made by some girl in Wisconsin. She has pictures of me on it. Can you say stalker? FML

by Anonymous / 10/25/2009 at 8:21pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous