Today, I learned that if you make fun of a man for walking with a cane, you'd better be ready for him to hit you with it. FML

by stick / 10/20/2009 at 12:05pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, some thug tried to mug me. I panicked and ran. As they chased me with their knife out, I heard a slip and a shout behind me but kept running. Six blocks later I was spotted, arrested and held for questioning by the police. The mugger fell, stabbed themselves and told a cop that I did it. FML

by BobbyHutchinson / 10/20/2009 at 11:57am / Australia (South Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, for my 2 year anniversary, I bought my girlfriend a beautiful $400 necklace. She bought me a pink $5 shirt of Elton John riding a piano through space. FML

by lame / 10/20/2009 at 10:04am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

by Anonymous / 10/20/2009 at 6:56am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was showing my friend's dad an airsoft gun I was hoping he would be interested in buying. It's a pistol worth about 90 bucks. In the midst of showing him, I thought it would be funny to do a fake, upwards "pistol whip". The mag ended up flying out full speed and hitting him in the eye. FML

by gunman / 10/20/2009 at 12:57am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered that nothing kills a wet dream faster than a kitten who pounces on things that wiggle under the blanket. FML

by JohnB / 10/19/2009 at 8:43pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a huge fight. She kicked me out of the apartment and told me to never come back. Devastated, I waited outside of the apartment door for hours hoping she'd reconsider. I ended up falling asleep. I woke up to her foot stomping on me, screaming "I meant it!" FML

by Anonymous / 10/19/2009 at 7:51pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I was ordering food at McDonalds when a condom fell out and onto the counter. The server looked at me funny before my friend turned around and said, "It's okay, he's never going to use it." FML

by ThePidgeon / 10/19/2009 at 2:36pm / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally got intimate with my girlfriend, the girl of my dreams. I undressed and, ready to step in bed with her, I see her staring at 'it'. Which was quickly followed by laughter. FML

by Geez / 10/19/2009 at 1:02pm / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Intimacy

Today, I started my first day at work, I've been unemployed for a while and am in college, so naturally I have no money. At the end of my shift, I ask what we do with the extra bread, and they tell me to throw it away. Being poor and hungry, I decide to take the bread home. I got fired for stealing. FML

by Anonymous / 10/19/2009 at 4:46am / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, when I proposed to my girlfriend of 8 years, she said no because she thought we were moving too fast. FML

by Anonymous / 10/19/2009 at 3:10am / Indonesia (Jawa Timur) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking home from my acting gig at a haunted hayride. Even after spending lots of time washing the fake blood off my hands and face, I looked like I'd murdered someone. Perhaps that's why an officer stopped me and questioned me about a stabbing that happened earlier tonight. FML

by worldsbestjobgonebad / 10/19/2009 at 2:08am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, being a music student, a professional orchestra performed a symphony that I wrote and dedicated to my girlfriend. It took months to compose and it the first and only time it was ever going to be played. My girlfriend forgot to come. FML

by Ryanissaur / 10/19/2009 at 1:34am / Australia (Victoria) / Love