Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML

by WorstMedicalBill / 11/20/2009 at 9:53am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

by HellaBomber91 / 11/20/2009 at 8:56am / United States (West Virginia) / Work

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me so she could "let her life flow in the direction she wants." Apparently that includes smoking, stealing and making out with other girls at parties. The best part? She wants to get back together "after she matures and gets it out of her system." FML

by ApparentlyIFail / 11/20/2009 at 4:30am / Love

Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping FML

by sadday / 11/20/2009 at 3:25am / United States (Utah) / Love

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

by lonelyman / 11/20/2009 at 2:29am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML

by Links / 11/20/2009 at 2:26am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML

by Mondo / 11/19/2009 at 7:41pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, as I left class I felt a tug on my rucksack from behind. Thinking it was just someone deliberately dragging me back, I struggled to let myself free and shouted "Let go!". I looked over my shoulder just to find that one the straps was trapped in the doorhandle. Everyone was in hysterics. FML

by betamaxjim / 11/19/2009 at 3:06pm / United Kingdom (Kirklees) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend woke up very early in terrible pain. I drove her to the hospital and fell asleep in the waiting area. When I woke up, my car was gone and it was 9am. She had assumed I just walked home (32 miles), so she took the car. I was the only one in the waiting area. FML

by nolips / 11/19/2009 at 10:53am / Norway (Oslo) / Transportation

Today, I decided to begin jogging since my weight was getting a little out of control and I wanted to do something about it. Guess who tripped on a root and broke their ankle? Yeah. Exactly. FML

by SeeTony / 11/19/2009 at 2:33am / United States (California) / Health

Today, after a long day of cleaning, I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. Reaching for what I thought was Pam I coated my bread with spray and put my sandwich in the pan. Pledge makes a great looking sandwich, but the lemony flavor tastes like crap. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2009 at 2:08am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I applied some things I learned reading a "How to please a woman" book. My wife was in heaven until it was over, then she started crying and yelling about the only way I would learn those things is if I was having an affair. I explained but she doesn't believe me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2009 at 12:16am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I have to go to the dentist to get a tooth capped. Why? Because my room mate knows I sleepwalk and thought it would be funny to put a trip wire across the top of the stairs. It worked. FML

by CB / 11/18/2009 at 8:30pm / New Zealand (Wellington) / Health