Today, I finally released my first music album. I dropped out of college to pay for it after my friends who liked my music urged me to. They keep telling me how much they love the CD. I've only sold one copy. Turns out they put it on a sharing site so only one of them would have to buy it. FML

by Rob / 12/01/2009 at 1:57am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while dining at a restaurant I heard a women choking. I immediately ran to her, wrapped my arms around her and started giving her abdominal thrusts. She freed herself and slapped me. Turns out she wasn't choking, she was just laughing. FML

by helper / 12/01/2009 at 1:15am / Costa Rica (Heredia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

by toastedguy / 12/01/2009 at 12:00am / United States (Louisiana) / Love

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML

by Cpm / 11/30/2009 at 8:55pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I finally had enough money to buy my girlfriend an engagement ring, which I was going to pick up after work. On my way to work, I slid on the ice and crashed into a parked vehicle. The damage to my car is almost twice the amount of the ring. FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2009 at 6:24pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Money

Today, me and my girlfriend were riding on my motorcycle. While at a stop light, she started to make these weird noises. Turns out she was having an orgasm. I still can't give her one. FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2009 at 3:35pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I overhead my mother's request to be spanked harder by my dad. FML

by NeedHeadPhone / 11/30/2009 at 11:51am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I got the repair estimate for my car. It is going to cost me $3,000 to rebuild the front end. It was wrecked because a couple decided to have a lovers spat in the middle of the freeway. I had that car for exactly four hours. FML

by Dante / 11/30/2009 at 2:07am / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, while flying on American Airlines back from visiting family, a new born puked its breakfast all over my HP mini, knocked my orange juice ino my lap, and than coughed up another layer on top of it all. I couldn't change my pants because of we were about to experience turbulance. FML

by coloradoman / 11/30/2009 at 1:34am / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, I got fired. By my father. He wants me to drive him to work tomorrow. FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2009 at 6:10pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went hiking with my friend. We both had to pee really bad. We went to the edge of a cliff to "relieve ourselves". He peed and it came and hit me in the face, he did it on purpose. So, I decided to get him back and peed at him. The wind changed direction and hit me in the face again. FML

by Harry / 11/29/2009 at 5:53pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my ceiling fan was rocking violently so I turned it off. I stood under it trying to figure out what the problem is, it fell on my face. FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2009 at 11:57am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line. Behind me was a woman who only had two items, so I nicely let her in front of me, as it looked like she was in a hurry. When she was all rung up, she decided to pay her $16.45 in loose change which needed to be counted out. FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2009 at 8:49am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money