Today, I hit a parked car. It happened to be my driving instructor's car. While he was instructing me, sitting in the passenger seat. I don't think I'll pass. FML

by badDriver / 11/28/2009 at 4:37pm / United States (Oregon) / Transportation

Today, I was at lunch with my mom and we were talking about how to tell my brother that Santa Clause isn't real. After we finished our conversation, I heard someone crying. Little did I know, two little kids and their parents were sitting in the booth behind me. FML

by TooTallNiCo / 11/28/2009 at 12:36pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, a mall cop tore up my 'Free hugs' sign. FML

by Cornbreesha / 11/28/2009 at 2:13am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went shopping with some friends. We were tired from walking around the mall all night, so we decided to sit and relax at a table. I was about to close my eyes when I got smacked on the forehead by an orange falling from the second floor of the mall. FML

by Orangehead / 11/28/2009 at 12:06am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I invited my crush to come and spend thanksgiving dinner with me and my family, she agreed but asked me if she could bring her friend. Turns out her "friend" was actually her boyfriend and they drank all the expensive wine I bought. FML

by lonelyguy / 11/27/2009 at 10:02pm / Puerto Rico / Love

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo. I threw a piece of my sandwich towards a very cute chimpanzee. As a thank you, he threw a piece of crap at me, which exploded all over my shirt. FML

by Thanks / 11/27/2009 at 6:36pm / United Kingdom (Northamptonshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

by Nobody / 11/27/2009 at 4:39pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 4:24pm / United Kingdom (London) / Health

Today, for the third time this week, my boss made me switch desks. Each new desk is closer to the door than the last one. I think he's trying to tell me something. FML

by Fmyoffice / 11/27/2009 at 2:51pm / United Kingdom (Lincolnshire) / Work

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

by Nick / 11/27/2009 at 5:11am / United Kingdom (Essex) / Miscellaneous

Today, we took the kids to the local pond near my sister-in-law's to feed the geese. I hadn't been there before, and thought I'd take a picture. I turned around to adjust my camera, but the geese, realizing the feast had ended, took flight. Before I could react I was showered with goose shit. FML

by fml...really / 11/27/2009 at 2:45am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I wanted to take a nice hot relaxing bath. A wasp somehow got in, and stung me on the nuts. FML

by Anonymous / 11/26/2009 at 11:26pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I saw an old man who needed help crossing the street. I went over to him and helped him across the street. When he thanked me, I said, "No problem, sir." They responded by hitting me in the happy sacks and screaming that they were a woman. FML

by anniecook / 11/26/2009 at 7:26pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous