Today, before having morning sex, my girlfriend for over a year whispers to me "Do that thing you did at the Halloween party". There was no morning sex as I reminded her that I was sick with the flu then and didn't go with her to the party. FML

by James / 11/05/2009 at 11:38am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

by Metime / 11/04/2009 at 11:17pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the team and practicing every day for a few months with them. When it came time to get the certificates, all the names were called out. Except for mine. When I asked the coach where my certificate was, he said "Who are you?". FML

by RKE / 11/04/2009 at 9:12pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a well paying job that requires me to drive around and present a product to potential customers. After going out for a victory meal with friends, I came home to find my car broken into, and my GPS stolen. I need it for the job. FML

by Anonymous / 11/04/2009 at 3:39pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, I was on web cam to my girlfriend who was naked. She turned the web cam to point to the screen for a second and she was also on web cam with another guy. FML

by angry / 11/04/2009 at 1:51pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Intimacy

Today, I encountered one of my professors from college. Back when I was in his game theory class, he publicly criticized me for falling asleep and not paying attention, to which I retaliated by acing all of his exams. Four years and a degree later, I met him again... while working at Pizza Hut. FML

by mylifeisfed / 11/04/2009 at 7:56am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the panful of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML

by burned / 11/04/2009 at 5:12am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had an appointment with a psychotherapist. I was feeling very depressed and was telling her how I felt no one cared about me. Her phone rang and she left me mid-sentence to take a call about her new BMW. FML

by troubled / 11/04/2009 at 12:10am / United States (California) / Health

Today, a woman evidently posted on a chat website asking for any young men to send pictures of their junk to her cell phone. Over 60 messages were sent, mostly by underage boys, most of them including the picture. Only problem. The number posted wasn't hers... It was mine. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

by buckid310 / 11/03/2009 at 4:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, good news! The guitar I have been saving up for, for 5 months, finally arrived. It came inside a beautiful black and white case, and impossible to get into without the key. They didn't pack the key. FML

by RedLion23 / 11/03/2009 at 3:08pm / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got stopped at the bank by security for carrying a weapon and threatened to call the police. I had to prove my “metal stick” was not a weapon. I am partially paralyzed in one of my feet and have to walk with a cane. FML

by Anonymous / 11/03/2009 at 2:49pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my girlfriend about a diamond necklace I bought her for her birthday, which she didn't seem to be wearing. She then told me she hocked it to pay for her inexpensive phone bill. I paid $1,500 for that necklace, she received $300 from the pawn shop. FML

by I_Lossed / 11/03/2009 at 6:02am / Australia (New South Wales) / Money

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. By making out with her new boyfriend in front of me. FML

by whysheheartless / 11/03/2009 at 2:24am / United States (Oregon) / Love