Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

by blasted / 11/25/2009 at 8:56am / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML

by CT / 11/25/2009 at 1:42am / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was fired by one of my bosses for doing something the other boss told me to do. I work for a family company. Turns out my bosses are going through a divorce and will do anything to prove the other wrong. FML

by Anon / 11/24/2009 at 8:54pm / New Zealand (Wellington) / Work

Today, I met my wife's other husband. FML

by bmonehh / 11/24/2009 at 3:20pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2009 at 6:44am / United States (Alabama) / Health

Today, I decided to surprise my wife at her softball game. I saw her distinctive motorcycle jacket through the canvas dugout wall and decided that I would feel her up from behind, to surprise her. She lent her jacket to a friend. FML

by rider / 11/24/2009 at 5:58am / Qatar (Ad Dawhah) / Intimacy

Today, I had a date in my dreams. It was a pity date, with someone who is already taken. I can't even get a real date in my dreams. FML

by Lonely / 11/24/2009 at 5:49am / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, the woman I love told me she cared about me and didn't like me hurting myself. She then posted a picture of herself making-out with her new boyfriend. FML

by xX-SaD-FaCe-Xx / 11/24/2009 at 5:04am / Singapore / Love

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend on her request because she "didn't have the heart to do it." Within twenty minutes I'd received 4 calls from mutual friends, including my best friend, telling me what a jerk I am. And one from my mom. FML

by Face_loser / 11/24/2009 at 3:11am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I found a mealworm in my cornflakes. I had already finished most of the bowl. I didn't make it to the toilet to throw up. FML

by blowinchunks / 11/24/2009 at 1:00am / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I agreed to buy my girlfriend a piggle for Christmas. The pig is miniature. The noise it makes is not. Oh, and I just found out it's not living with her, but with me. FML

by pigglepigglepiggle / 11/23/2009 at 9:30pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I finally received a paycheck for the first time in six months. I celebrated by promptly falling down a flight of stairs and losing consciousness. FML

by DBR / 11/23/2009 at 5:12pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I went over to my best friend's house only to have his little brother run up to us and confess his love to me. His little brother is twelve and I've tutored him for a year. I'm seventeen and male. Now my best friend thinks I 'taught' him something weird. He won't talk to me. FML

by Yue / 11/23/2009 at 4:14pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous