Today, I was fined because my son pushed the alarm button in the elevator. Why? There was a spider in there. FML

by arachnidphobia / 01/02/2010 at 10:22pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I got home to find my entire video game collection and all my consoles had been stolen. Two weeks ago I brought them back from my University accommodation, specifically to stop them from being stolen while I was at home for the Christmas holiday. FML

by greatstartto2010 / 01/02/2010 at 7:35pm / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML

by pissfaced / 01/02/2010 at 8:41am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2010 at 8:33am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML

by Lonely / 01/02/2010 at 5:30am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I was setting up comcast cable boxes for my house. I had the packaging everywhere when I finished. Looking admirably at my job, I backed out my door, and stepped on bubble wrap, scaring myself. I flailed, fell, reached out, grabbing one of the cable wires. I pulled the cable box and my modem off. FML

by cmilla / 01/02/2010 at 4:18am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that I have been playing a little too much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I realized this when I was watching a youtube video and there was someone walking in the background who I impulsively tried to gun down and kill by moving my mouse over him and clicking repeatedly. FML

by Laughluv / 01/02/2010 at 1:17am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went through the Taco Bell drive through. The lady at the window handed me my food and receipt. In a moment of insanity, I threw the receipt at the cashier and yelled "WOOHOO." I attempted to burn rubber and get the hell out of dodge, only to remember my car was in park. FML

by TacoFail / 01/01/2010 at 11:46pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving home from an airport. On the way home, I got a flat tire. Once I was outside the car I realized that I had accidentally locked the car with the keys inside. I was in the middle of nowhere 20 miles from anywhere and couldn't call for help since my phone was in the car. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

by FavreFan99 / 01/01/2010 at 12:01pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, my fiancé and I decided to engage in some erotic food play. She covered every region of my body, including my genitals, with strawberry sauce. Today also happens to be the day that I found out I'm allergic to strawberries. FML

by welted / 01/01/2010 at 12:21am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to the DMV to take my drivers test. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2009 at 3:10pm / United States (Nevada) / Transportation

Today, I got out of bed and immediately went to the window as it was supposed to snow today. I saw a man walking his dog and he waved at me. I waved back enthusiastically and realised I was naked. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2009 at 6:47am / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Animals