Today, I was very sick with a stomach virus, so I went to the only doctor's office open on Sundays. Even though I was feeling like a pile of shit, I waited for a woman who was walking in behind me to hold the door open for her. She was the last patient they could take for the day. FML

by Gentleman / 01/11/2010 at 12:19am / United States (Mississippi) / Health

Today, I found out that pinching the tip of the condom before you roll it down to the base is NOT a suggestion. FML

by Drewzter / 01/10/2010 at 10:33pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2010 at 4:50pm / United States / Love

Today, I found out that last summer while my girlfriend worked on a Disney Cruise ship, she cheated on me with Tarzan. FML

by daragnan / 01/10/2010 at 4:47pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on two really pretty girls. The first girl I missed and kissed her chin. The second girl I headbutted and gave a nosebleed. FML

by Olihime / 01/10/2010 at 1:13pm / United Kingdom (Leicester) / Love

Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML

by ishouldntdrink / 01/10/2010 at 10:11am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was wondering why my home smelled so weird, until I found out that my 4 year old son had been secretly scattering around food he didn't like to eat throughout the house. How did I find out? No one else in this family leaves half eaten spinach all over my underwear drawer. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2010 at 5:45am / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, I was at a band practice. The band was talking to each other with language like "cadence", "resolution" and "consecutive fifths". When they spoke to me, they used terms like "tick", "bong", "ticky bong"; and "bongy tick". Musically, I feel like a baboon. FML

by Fredgruff / 01/09/2010 at 8:48am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got on a treadmill for the first time. I was running at a very high speed. I needed a break but didn't know how to get off. I decided to just let the machine take me to the edge so I could get off. I was thrown off the treadmill and landed with my happy sacks crashing into a dumbbell. FML

by King7 / 01/09/2010 at 5:17am / Pakistan (Sindh) / Health

Today, I was doing my paper round. I got to the last house and thought I had done everything right. I checked my list of houses, and I had done every single one wrong. I went and got all the papers back and delivered them again. That was when I realised I did them right in the first place. FML

by Harry / 01/09/2010 at 5:14am / United Kingdom (Solihull) / Work

Today, while my kids were taking a nap in the other room, I masturbated while Dora The Explorer was on. I think I need to get out more. FML

by pervert / 01/09/2010 at 1:38am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

by squirrel / 01/09/2010 at 12:01am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I come home for lunch. I see a sandwich on the table with a note saying "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I see another note from my girlfriend next to it saying "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step mother. FML

by SingleWorker / 01/08/2010 at 10:45pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous