Today, I asked a girl I like out. She ended up having an asthma attack because she was laughing so hard. I guess that's a no. FML

by asthma_attacker / 11/14/2009 at 1:38pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

by swedishdude / 11/14/2009 at 8:37am / Sweden (Skane Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

by Indoraptor / 11/14/2009 at 7:59am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

by poorclubgoer / 11/14/2009 at 5:11am / United States / Money

Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML

by Anonymous / 11/14/2009 at 2:27am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my wife to block the mail of her ex (because he was sending her romantic mails) or I would leave. She told me that I could leave. FML

Today, I learned I have over $10,000 in debt, despite never owning a credit card. Apparently, my ex-roommate had been replying to the credit card offers I was receiving in the mail. That also explains my missing driver's license a few months back. FML

by Anonymous / 11/13/2009 at 5:29pm / United States (Texas) / Money

Today, I found out that my mom called my boss informing him that I am a little behind on some college projects. She felt he should know that she fears I might not be able to graduate on the planned date. My boss had already offered me a permanent job. I may not get that job now. FML

by fuckedup / 11/13/2009 at 2:13pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Work

Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML

by thelistman / 11/13/2009 at 2:04pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML

by yellowjacket_34 / 11/13/2009 at 12:47pm / United States (Montana) / Health

Today, I went to the pharmacy to purchase a brace for my sprained wrist. My wife and I had recently ran out of KY lotion, so I decided to pick up a bottle while I was there. It didn't occur to me that these two items could be perceived as being related until the cashier began to giggle. FML

by joeheathen / 11/13/2009 at 7:57am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went through with my elaborate plans to propose to my girlfriend with creativity. I took her skydiving and proposed in midair. She rejected. Why? She wanted a more "traditional" proposal. FML

by rejectedmidair / 11/13/2009 at 2:14am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

by stubble / 11/13/2009 at 1:26am / Canada (Manitoba) / Miscellaneous