Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. She was eating a hot dog. She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you." She then bit the hot dog in half. FML

by Dontworryaboutit / 12/28/2009 at 5:16am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I got a call from a girl I fell madly in love with 8 years ago. She disappeared from my life with no trace. Turns out she just finalized her divorce, has 2 wild kids, packed on 75 lbs, has $25,000 in debt and is taking meds to keep from going crazy. Now she wants me back. FML

by Anonymous / 12/28/2009 at 12:03am / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, the girl that I have been secretly madly in love with for 6 years told me "fuck off and stop doing nice things for me." FML

by anonymous / 12/27/2009 at 9:18pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, my girlfriend left me for my sister. I can't stop thinking about all those days they went out alone for "girl time." FML

by notgoodenough38 / 12/27/2009 at 5:34pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, I walked in on my mom and dad. It wasn't my dad. FML

by Anonymous / 12/27/2009 at 7:49am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, I was walking to the bus stop. I saw a chunk of ice and attempted to kick it. Sadly it was frozen to the ground, so I fell, broke my toe, and missed the bus. Even the bus driver was laughing as he drove by. FML

by Icy / 12/27/2009 at 3:43am / United States (Washington) / Transportation

Today, I was feeling proud of myself because I finally quit World Of Warcraft. I later found out about the gift my dad's family gave me. It was a 12-month subscription to World Of Warcraft. FML

by thatguy / 12/26/2009 at 6:46pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed a girl looking at me on the train. Playing it cool, I decided to give her a smile and see what would happen. It came out as a creepy, seedy grin, prompting her to call security. FML

by creepyguy / 12/26/2009 at 7:06am / Australia (Queensland) / Transportation

Today, my dad and I found in my house a water filter that has not been changed in over 20 years. We have been drinking that water that has been going through a filter that had more colors than a rainbow on it. FML

by shithole / 12/26/2009 at 12:36am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, from my girlfriend of five years, I got my clothes back, my engagment ring and a card that says, "Merry Christmas! It's me not you." FML

by C45 / 12/25/2009 at 3:27pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened a gift to see that it was a fruitcake and saw everyone looking at me, smiling. This is their way to tell me that they know I'm gay and that they accept me. I'm straight. FML

by notgay / 12/25/2009 at 2:34pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents told me they're getting a divorce. However, they asked me not to tell any of the family so that the news doesn't spoil Christmas. Thanks, Mom and Dad. FML

by parentalfail / 12/25/2009 at 1:19pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I have been stuck in the bathroom. Apparently, my 8 year old son decided to sneak in some TurboLax into the juice we left out for Santa. Well played son. FML

by BathroomMuch / 12/25/2009 at 11:15am / United States (California) / Kids