Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

by Lost / 01/14/2010 at 10:57am / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I snuck out of work 2 hours early. As I was speeding away so I wouldn't be seen, I rear-ended my boss as he was leaving the lower parking lot for a late lunch. FML

by Ilovelife07 / 01/14/2010 at 10:14am / United States (Massachusetts) / Transportation

Today, my girlfriend asked me "is it in yet?" FML

by anun / 01/14/2010 at 9:06am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I received an email saying that the present I ordered for my girlfriend's birthday will be a week late, which makes it a week late for her birthday. I sat down and said we needed to talk, she burst into tears and apologised for 'sleeping with him,' I just wanted to tell her it would be late. FML

by in_side_out / 01/14/2010 at 6:26am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML

by melonhead / 01/14/2010 at 3:46am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at a bar a woman of about 40 came up to me and asked me to dance, and being only 20 I thought I had met the perfect "cougar" for a one night stand. After a few up-beat dances, a slower song came on and we continued to dance. She started sobbing and claimed I was the son she never had. FML

by indiansbaseball4 / 01/14/2010 at 3:27am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I added some of my own money to the tip jar in the Subway I work at to make myself look less pathetic. FML

by OverweightTeen / 01/14/2010 at 1:59am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Work

Today, I was on the computer in the library on campus. I was facebook stalking this really cute girl that I often see on campus. As I'm looking at her profile pictures, I turn around and the girl is standing right behind me. She gave me a disgusted look and walked off. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2010 at 12:10am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was pointing out my car to my roommate. He responded with, "Oh that one with the broken window?" Turns out my car had been broken into. They took my CD player, GPS and Ipod. On top of that they left a Reese's Fastbreak wrapper and sunflower seeds on my front seat. FML

by Eli / 01/13/2010 at 7:08pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, I went on an interview for a job that I had been wanting for months. I thought everything was going great. On my way out, my interviewer asked me to recycle something for him. I agreed. It was my resume. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2010 at 7:05pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I did a 'dine and dash' and left my phone in the restaurant. The owner answered my phone call. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2010 at 4:41pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother and his friend ambushed me, tied me to a chair, and put a sock in my mouth. My mom found me 10 minutes later, took the sock out, and asked, "Why are you tied to a chair?" I told her what happened. She looked at me, laughed, stuffed the sock back in my mouth, and left. FML

by boundandgagged / 01/13/2010 at 2:36pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to pull cheese out of my PS3's disc tray because my younger brother assumed all PS3's could grill stuff because "Youtube told him." FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2010 at 3:46am / United Kingdom (London) / Kids