Today, it was my first day with new contacts, but I found out they make my eyes red and itchy. Today was also the day I had a very important meeting. They think I showed up stoned. FML

by Anonymous / 12/04/2009 at 12:36pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't make it okay to call your mother-in-law a fat slag. However, it does make it okay for your wife to knee you in the snow globes. FML

by mainlaw / 12/04/2009 at 12:33pm / Ireland (Wexford) / Love

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to find my glasses. I don't know whats worse, the fact that I was wearing them the whole time, or that my girlfriend played along and helped me look for them. FML

by wobbles / 12/04/2009 at 12:28am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

by holla1787 / 12/03/2009 at 10:11pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my mom admitted that her story about my dad leaving us for his current wife was a lie. He left when he caught her with a coworker. She blocked his number and got a restraining order to keep him from telling his side of the story. I haven't talked to my dad for six years because of this. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2009 at 9:17pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to a female friend of mine, because I thought they would get along. Apparently they get along better than I expected; she dumped me for the other girl. FML

by Sub / 12/03/2009 at 8:14pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

by SatelliteUser / 12/03/2009 at 3:13pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Love

Today, I saw a girl walking to class by herself. I thought she was weird for not having any friends to walk with. Thats when I realized I was eating lunch by myself. In my car. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2009 at 1:13pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned my wife wasn't speaking to me because our daughter told her I kissed another woman. My daughter neglected to mention that this happened when she came to work with me yesterday, and the kiss was between me and the dummy I use to teach my interns CPR. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

by fmldr / 12/03/2009 at 6:34am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I finished a 50 page term end thesis essay on the history of Russia. Looking over the final requirements once more, I find I made just a tiny little mistake. It was supposed to be a thesis on "Prussia". The paper's due tomorrow. FML

by WTFFAIL / 12/03/2009 at 4:08am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I found out that my friends were convinced that I was gay. I have known most of them for 3 plus years, they all thought my girlfriend was a special shopping partner. I found this out while announcing my engagement. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2009 at 3:23am / United States (North Dakota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I bought $300 worth of climbing equipment because I had lost mine six months ago, I hadn't gone to the climbing gym since I'd lost it. I went today because I was so excited to go climbing again. However, it turns out that I'd left my gear there, and it had been in the Lost and Found for the past six months. FML

by MitchellSully / 12/03/2009 at 12:18am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2009 at 9:37pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy