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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Man or woman?

Today, my girlfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex. Over breakfast, she said it was the most intense, primal and mind-blowing sexual experience she ever had. Problem is, I don't remember a damned thing. FML

#2602287
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61401) - you deserved it (8830)

On 06/04/2009 at 4:10pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, while working at the hospital, I had a patient with a blocked bowel. It was so bad, feces were entering into her stomach. While leaning down to talk with her, she threw up. I was both vomited and defecated on at the same time. FML

#2593588
321 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62700) - you deserved it (3475)

On 06/04/2009 at 8:07am - work - by Mew (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was performing in an orchestra concert. My stand partner and I commented on people in the audience the whole time, saying how fat they were, etc. Towards the end of the concert, I realized we were sitting right by a microphone, and the whole audience could hear us. FML

#2593362
266 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7481) - you deserved it (85068)

On 06/04/2009 at 7:35am - misc - by anon (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, my dad asked me to move a potted plant from one side of the yard to the other. It looked like a very heavy pot, so I heaved it up with all my might. Turns out it was one of those heavy-looking ones that are actually light plastic. I fell over backwards and dumped dirt into my mouth. FML

#2590991
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40266) - you deserved it (17407)

On 06/04/2009 at 2:27am - misc - by ether10 (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I went to the bar I go to every week. My favorite bartender told me I owed $50 for a tab because the waiter screwed up and undercharged me. The tab was from when my friends bought me drinks to cheer me up because my girlfriend moved away. I ended up paying for my own drinks plus theirs. FML

#2588654
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43455) - you deserved it (2703)

On 06/04/2009 at 12:52am - money - by doubledown (man) - United States (Maine)

Today, I allowed my five-year old daughter to paint my fingernails during a living-room "picnic" we were having. A while later I got called back in to work for an emergency meeting. When I arrived at the meeting I noticed my fingernails were still neon-green. I am a 40-year old man. FML

#2565972
279 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44308) - you deserved it (14893)

On 06/03/2009 at 1:40pm - kids - by psychortiz (man) - United States (California)

Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment. My apartment was supposed to be empty, so I entered ready to fight some thieves. I rushed in and hit the closest person to me before the lights switched on. It was a surprise party. I broke my girlfriend's cheek-bone. FML

#2562332
236 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43374) - you deserved it (13782)

On 06/03/2009 at 10:15am - misc - by Kyokushin (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML

#2557919
304 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57325) - you deserved it (24567)

On 06/03/2009 at 2:06am - intimacy - by galen (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, at my graduation for my high school GED, my parents said they were getting all my family and my girlfriend together. So we all went out to a steakhouse down the road, everyone ordered steaks. Turns out the 'surprise' was me paying. I only got 50$ grad money, and the bill was 159.98. FML

#2557245
322 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49809) - you deserved it (4098)

On 06/03/2009 at 1:40am - money - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I meant to express to my friends that I was enamored with a young saleswoman I had encountered at a store. I wanted to tell them that she was quite petite and that I am, in general, attracted to petite women. Instead I said "You know? I like little girls." FML

#2556869
274 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15124) - you deserved it (43861)

On 06/03/2009 at 1:23am - love - by boinger (man) - United States (California)

Today, my mom told me I was worthless and could not do anything by myself. Determined to prove her wrong I attempted to install the AC that I had neglected to put in for the past month. While placing it on the window it fell through landing on her prized roses and breaking into pieces. FML

#2556121
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34824) - you deserved it (13321)

On 06/03/2009 at 12:55am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I flew from Chicago to San Francisco to get some of my stuff out of a storage unit. I left the keys for the padlock at home. FML

#2530639
194 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18435) - you deserved it (46683)

On 06/02/2009 at 12:14pm - misc - by Tom (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I got an "Enlarge your penis" email for the millionth time. I was about to dismiss it when I saw the FW: from my wife. FML

#2527360
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (77855) - you deserved it (5506)

On 06/02/2009 at 8:19am - intimacy - by Ariel (man) - Israel (HaMerkaz)



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