Today, the police finally recovered my stolen car. All it took was a shootout and two people dying. FML

by Anonymous / 06/03/2016 at 3:46pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, the woman I have been seeing said she couldn't see a future with me. This was all because I didn't text her back when I fell asleep after working a double night/morning shift. FML

by Joshua / 06/03/2016 at 1:53pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, during a layover between two flights, I managed to catch a shower. Too bad it was ginger ale and not water. FML

by theamazingd / 06/01/2016 at 4:31pm / United States (New York) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I've been chronically constipated so long that I was actually grateful for the sudden blast of diarrhea that ruined my pants. FML

by Anonymous / 06/01/2016 at 7:05am / Canada (Quebec) / Health

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. To this, she said, "You need to meet more people."FML

by Lazyuser2849 / 06/01/2016 at 1:02am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I had a dream that I was swinging through New York City as my favorite hero, Spider-Man. I was almost immediately beaten to death by a mugger. I suck even in my dreams. FML

by Spider fail / 05/31/2016 at 3:06pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

by -1 Pair of Pants / 05/30/2016 at 3:49pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

by Anonymous / 05/30/2016 at 12:35pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, as I was about to meet my girlfriend's parents, she thought it would be funny to grab my junk and give me a hard-on right before they walked in. I couldn't hide it quickly enough. FML

by tigerbyrn / 05/30/2016 at 11:35am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, after a long 16 hour shift, I was milliseconds from sleep when my girlfriend said she "wants to talk". I'm now writing this from the couch. FML

by halza / 05/30/2016 at 7:03am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Love

Today, I tried to get my son off of the couch by turning off the wifi. Afterward, I went to watch tv. Turns out he got me back by turning off the cable. FML

by Howdoiwatchpoliticsnow / 05/29/2016 at 4:06pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, my boss wrote me up for saying "pissed" in front of a client. This is the same boss who nearly pissed himself laughing when a client made an extremely off-color Holocaust joke a few weeks ago, in front of half the department. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2016 at 1:05am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, it's been months since I graduated university. I still haven't managed to land a single interview. Meanwhile my brother recently woke up from a week long bender, realized he had no money for weed, went out, and 4 days later landed a well paid sales job 15 minutes from home. FML

by yamblam5 / 05/28/2016 at 11:32pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work