Today, I'm in the hospital because I sliced my leg open. Why? I jumped off my bed and scratched myself on the metal bed frame when Miss America was crowned to Miss Virginia. I'm 20 years old, and a man. FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2010 at 1:37pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

by depr3ssed / 01/31/2010 at 12:42pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, while at a party, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started playing. For being the only one who didn't know the lyrics, I had beer thrown on me, my shirt stolen, and I was locked outside for half an hour. It's below freezing. FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2010 at 12:07pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was watching a horror movie with my girlfriend. Suddenly, the killer jumped on screen. My girlfriend screamed. I peed myself. FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2010 at 5:16am / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, I found out that my girlfriend had replaced our picture in her locket for a picture of Taylor Lautner shirtless. FML

by Twilightsux / 01/30/2010 at 10:20pm / United States / Love

Today, I was stuck sitting at a cafeteria table next to the girl who broke my heart and her boyfriend. I got to overhear the conversation, which included "I want to go to the car" followed by "Me too, but I don't have a condom." FML

by WishesWasDeaf / 01/30/2010 at 8:35pm / United States (West Virginia) / Love

Today, I accidentally emailed the entire company everyone's salary, sales history, and the names of four people I intended to fire. FML

by Whoopsx99 / 01/30/2010 at 2:21pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I found out I was getting a divorce. My wife is leaving me for my brother, saying that now that he has money there is nothing that can stand in their way. I recently decided to send him money to help him get back on his feet. FML

by hahahaha090114 / 01/30/2010 at 1:59pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I was walking to school. When I was about halfway there, someone put a gun to the back of my head and told me to give him all my money. As I slowly turned around, I saw it was my dad putting a banana to my head. FML

by Anonymous / 01/30/2010 at 8:16am / United States (California) / Money

Today, I took my 8 year old nephew to Laser Tag for his birthday party. I reluctantly was forced into playing one game. Apparently, no one explained the rules to one child and instead of 'shooting' me with his laser pointer, he kicked me straight in the balls. FML

by Anonymous / 01/30/2010 at 12:40am / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I found a wallet belonging to some guy, it had $355 inside. Because he had his address written inside, I decided to return it hoping for a reward. I drove for 40 mins and finally got to his house during peak hour. All he did was say "oh cool". FML

by Sheggie / 01/30/2010 at 12:06am / Australia (New South Wales) / Money

Today, against the will of the kids in my class, we played kick ball. The first time I rolled the ball, the tallest, biggest kid kicked it as hard as he could. I caught it though, with my nuts. FML

by ouch / 01/29/2010 at 3:19pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I was caught going on Facebook at work. I was called into my boss' office to be reprimanded, and while he was lecturing me on the importance of staying focussed and the misuse of company property, his computer beeped. It was his Facebook chat notifying him of a new message. FML

by boredatwork / 01/29/2010 at 10:33am / Canada (Ontario) / Work