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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Man or woman?

Today, I asked my fiancé's daughter to use her phone so I could call mine which I'd misplaced. Busy with homework, she nodded. Only after she jumped up did I notice that she had my number listed with a humiliating nickname, and accompanied by a photo of her middle finger. FML

#5875643
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32695) - you deserved it (5169)

On 10/18/2009 at 6:16am - kids - by Anonwymous (man) - United Kingdom (London)

Today, as I was walking home late at night, some asshole threw a lit cigarette butt out of their balcony. It fell between my glasses and my eye and left a burn mark on my cheek. FML

#5875501
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39027) - you deserved it (2319)

On 10/18/2009 at 5:28am - health - by nimrod23 (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I was written up because my manager heard me insulting a customer. How did I insult her? I called her grandma. Who did I say this to? My grandma. FML

#5873619
36 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42519) - you deserved it (2088)

On 10/18/2009 at 12:06am - work - by booste (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I had to go to the dentist to have a cavity filled. Around halfway through the procedure, something broke the silence in the room. It was my dentist, who had farted. I had to smell his rancid flatulence for around the next five minutes. All the while, I had to keep my mouth wide open. FML

#5867673
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36641) - you deserved it (2420)

On 10/17/2009 at 3:48pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

#5863047
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32880) - you deserved it (2003)

On 10/17/2009 at 7:13am - animals - by Ethan (man) - United States (California)

Today, I told a lady that came into my clothing store that I thought her abstract looking necklace was pretty. She responded, "Oh... Thats actually a pipe that goes into my lung." FML

#5862542
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32254) - you deserved it (8158)

On 10/17/2009 at 4:45am - misc - by oopsjsp90 (man) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, it was my first day at the fire station. Naturally, we all went out and got lunch together. I normally don't handle spicy food well, but sucked it up. About ten minutes after we finished, I got up to do rookie duties when someone slapped me in the back. I forcefully vomited all over my new Lieutenant. FML

#5862404
40 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28395) - you deserved it (4531)

On 10/17/2009 at 4:20am - work - by PukinFireman (man) - United States

Today, my landlady decided to fix the leak in my room. Her solution was repainting the ceiling. Now not only is my room still wet but it now reeks of paint thinner. FML

#5860087
17 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22875) - you deserved it (1620)

On 10/17/2009 at 12:27am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I went to the military base to save $10 on a haircut. On the way out the gate, the glare of the sun blocked my view of a star barrier. Instead of saving $10 on a haircut I now owe a $500 deductible to fix my car. FML

Today, I found out that if you let your son install a new shower head, he won't tighten it properly. So when you turn the shower on, it will shoot out at rocket speed, hitting you in the face. Then when you grab the shower handle to prevent yourself falling backwards, you will just rip that out and hit your head again. FML

#5858229
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33352) - you deserved it (4859)

On 10/16/2009 at 10:38pm - misc - by Ndanick1193 (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, it was the first day of fall break from college, and I was really excited to sleep in and relax the entire weekend. Apparently my boss caught wind of my happiness and scheduled me 8am-2pm each day of break, "seeing how I don't have anything else to do." FML

#5851790
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30496) - you deserved it (3600)

On 10/16/2009 at 2:22pm - work - by cbrocks (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, my girlfriend and I were fooling around on camera. I was mostly naked and putting on a show for her, when I noticed that she was looking off to the side instead of where she normally looks when she's talking to me. She was playing solitaire on her computer. FML

#5851681
23 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18698) - you deserved it (3994)

On 10/16/2009 at 2:04pm - intimacy - by DamnThatsHarsh (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I had a wet dream. The problem was that I was dreaming about watching porn. I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

#5851325
38 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21761) - you deserved it (3781)

On 10/16/2009 at 1:27pm - intimacy - by damnit (man) - United States (New York)



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