Today, my friend said that his dad told him we couldn't hang out anymore, he thinks I'm a bad influence because I don't have all 90's in my classes. The only reason he knows I have below a 90 is because he's my geography teacher. I have an 87. FML

by Mudge / 02/25/2016 at 5:26pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, at preschool, I got to meet the mother of my daughter's best friend. She complimented mine's grades, and noted her quirkiness. I complimented her's for being congenial and being well-rounded. Later, my daughter said they are no longer besties because her mom said I called her daughter fat. FML

by Anonymous / 02/24/2016 at 3:35pm / Philippines / Kids

Today, the girl who likes me incredibly much asked me if she could come for a ride with me on my motorcycle. Normally this isn't a problem as I take lots of people out for rides for fun, but this time I had no choice but to tell her she couldn't because she's just too heavy for it. FML

by BikerGuy / 02/24/2016 at 1:31am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, the girl I like asked me to take over her shift at the place we both work at. Being nice, I readily took over. Later, I found out she went on a date with my best friend. He knows I like her. FML

by fezhafeez / 02/23/2016 at 2:26pm / Singapore / Love

Today, I was at church with some friends and our counselor, who had recently came back from Taiwan. I was born there and love to visit, so I immediately exclaimed, "How lucky!" A few seconds of awkward silence later, he said, "I was visiting my dad who was just diagnosed with cancer." FML

by goodjobme / 02/23/2016 at 1:53am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I realized that I will be leaving for the US Marine Corps in June, and the presidential election is in November. I could potentially be serving with Trump as my Commander-in-Chief. FML

by Anonymous / 02/23/2016 at 12:16am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

by oh / 02/22/2016 at 9:41pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of previous customers, but I recognised the names as I phoned them all last week; I told the manager this. He slammed his fist on my desk and told me to stop lying and do as I was told. I got told to "fuck off" 27 times. FML

by Arcam89 / 02/22/2016 at 5:37pm / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Work

Today, I found a picture of my ex with a new boyfriend. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't break up with me because she was lesbian. FML

by Anonymous / 02/21/2016 at 2:02pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was starting a new job and I didn't want to be late, so I took a train that left earlier than normal, just to make sure I'd be on time. Turns out, the earlier train wasn't an express train, and made it to my stop 12 minutes after my usual one did. I was late for work. FML

by Anonymous / 02/21/2016 at 12:10pm / Japan (Saitama) / Transportation

Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from barking at the guy fixing our water heater. One of them is stress-farting. FML

by noooooo / 02/21/2016 at 11:03am / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, my teacher gave me a 0% on my personal narrative in my writing class. His only comment on the whole paper was, "Too long, didn't read." FML

by This guy / 02/20/2016 at 9:53pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I completed driving school. After 30 hours of classwork, 6 hours of driving lessons, and a very tough driving test, I passed and can now get a 15% safe driver insurance discount. My friend just told me he only had to watch a 15 minute video to get the same discount. FML

by Whatthehell / 02/20/2016 at 8:35pm / United States (Tennessee) / Money