Today, while drilling holes in "No Smoking" signs for my job, I gave myself a minor cut that would appear to most as a papercut. I then had to fill out 3 double-sided pages of paperwork. FML

by AHHH_REPTAR / 06/23/2016 at 12:54am / United States (South Dakota) / Work

Today, I told the cute girl in my office that she looked like she listened to country music, as an icebreaker. She blankly stared at me for what felt like forever, and responded with, "That's the worst thing you could say to a person," and walked away. She hasn't talked to me since. FML

by Crushgonewrong / 06/22/2016 at 5:42pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was in a clothing store with my girlfriend. I saw the ugliest hat ever on a hat shelf, tried it on and said to my girlfriend, "Look at this ugly hat, it's absolutely horrible. It's even dirty." An old woman stood next to me said, "Well no wonder it's ugly, it's mine." FML

by Anonymous / 06/22/2016 at 5:15pm / Finland (Southern Finland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my friend I'm going vegetarian. He's now calling me "Reek" after the guy from Game of Thrones, because I'm apparently a "dickless loser" now. FML

by Reek / 06/22/2016 at 10:29am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After looking into it, one of the 1-star ratings claimed "mechanical problems". The description of the reason, "He drives a Ford." FML

by darkangel7410 / 06/22/2016 at 4:37am / United States (Louisiana) / Work

Today, after the last few months of my sister living with me while she finds her feet, I asked if she could help me out by doing the washing up. Half an hour later, I walked into knee high dish soap foam in the kitchen. My sister was right in the middle, trying to sculpt dicks. She's 20. FML

by Anonymous / 06/21/2016 at 8:28pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my girl and I got in a huge fight. Because I cuddled with her the wrong way. While I was asleep. FML

by Anonymous / 06/21/2016 at 7:24pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. I'm obsessive about cleanliness and neatness. They're candidates for a certain show about hoarders. I want to shower in bleach. FML

by maxmess / 06/21/2016 at 5:39pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my cat was diagnosed with FIV, to which my in-laws said, "That's impossible!" Apparently, what is possible though is that aliens are stealing their pool water. FML

by Donewiththis / 06/21/2016 at 1:35am / Animals

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know who's she's saying during sex. FML

by Anonymous / 06/20/2016 at 9:59pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I flew to Germany to meet up with a girl that I met in America 5 months ago and fell in love with. We've been talking every day for 5 months straight. I get here just for her to tell me that she likes me "like a brother". FML.

by Xerfox / 06/20/2016 at 4:34pm / Germany (Baden-Wurttemberg) / Love

Today, I went to a club with 6 girls thinking it would be awesome. As soon as we got there, they all said they wanted to go dance and asked if I could watch their purses. FML

by J-Sauce / 06/20/2016 at 10:54am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, we had a fish fry for Father's Day. I ended up getting a fish bone lodged in my tonsil, and I had to rush to the bathroom to pull it out. I threw up three times in the process and still didn't manage to get the bone out. FML

by dammitRandy / 06/19/2016 at 1:18pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health