Today, I asked a girl what time she'd like me to pick her up for our date tonight. She didn't know what I was talking about. It seems like, after months of sweaty palms, nervous smiles, and awkward sentences, I only dreamed she said yes to going out. FML

by LoveStinks / 08/18/2016 at 6:56am / Love

Today, my brother showed my wife a Craigslist ad by someone seeking casual sex. It had very specific details that made it seem like I wrote it. My brother later admitted in private that he made the post as revenge for me not loaning him $500 last month. Meanwhile, my wife still thinks I'm unfaithful. FML

by Anonymous / 08/17/2016 at 11:18am / Australia (South Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother told me that I could take a friend on vacation with us. Then she added that because I have no friends, my brother can bring his girlfriend instead. FML

by novacabudsforme / 08/15/2016 at 6:11am / Hong Kong / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a bad review on my work's Facebook page. The girl said I was very rude and I should never work with the public. I was trying to flirt with her. FML

by Bg2466 / 08/14/2016 at 11:17pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, a guy I have been crushing on since forever finally talked to me. Too bad it happened after an anxiety attack when he carried me from class to the nurse's. The first thing he said to me when I came to was, "You're heavier than you look." FML

by anonymous / 08/14/2016 at 11:06pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, I was practicing for a Cambodian ceremony. I'm American. My fiancée is Cambodian. While doing the practice, I had six people in my face telling me what to do, all at the same time. I got frustrated and accidentally blurted out, "This is fucking retarded." Now the whole family is mad at me. FML

by rcoale1983 / 08/14/2016 at 1:59pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after cleaning the whole house, I still couldn't get rid of the foul smell. Later, my roommate revealed his new place to "stash and dry" his socks: The ventilation ducts. FML

by stinkystinky / 08/12/2016 at 1:32pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out I and a coworker may get laid off soon, all because my boss's niece told him she can do both our jobs all by herself, and for less money. FML

by Anonymous / 08/12/2016 at 8:24am / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I was looking for a moustache comb, couldn't find it anywhere. Then I noticed it in a basket by the toilet with scissors. My wife's been using it to trim her pubes. FML

by CJ / 08/11/2016 at 9:02pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, after work, I was saying goodbye to my last remaining friend I worked with because she was going to be leaving for college. My manager saw me talking and made me clock back in and work because "If you have time to talk, you have time to work." FML.

by skipperpop / 08/11/2016 at 6:24pm / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, I asked my manager where the clearly-foreign customers were from. She said she didn't know, but she thought they were from ISIS. She wasn't trying to be funny, she thought ISIS was a country. FML

by DexiCola / 08/11/2016 at 1:02pm / South Africa (Western Cape) / Work

Today, my best friend asked if car oil could be used as a substitute for lube. I need new friends. FML

Today, while working at a fine-dining restaurant, I was dicing veggies. I was paying such close attention to make sure the veggies were all the same size, that I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

by Chef stupid / 08/11/2016 at 11:32am / United States (Texas) / Work