Today, I asked my husband if he wanted to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He choked on his own spit to avoid answering the question. FML

by Husband / 11/22/2016 at 9:33am / United States (District of Columbia) / Holidays

Today, my relationship with my family is so bad that when someone burst into my house without ringing the doorbell, my first assumption was, "Oh God I hope it's not my mum visiting!" rather than, "Oh God, it's a burglar!" It was actually my mother-in-law, and I was truly relieved. FML

by saracenslament / 11/22/2016 at 6:47am / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother made me a delicious meal of gravy, stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, and cranberries. Overjoyed, I tried to give her a hug. Instead, I accidentally punched her in the face. FML

by emeraldarcher74 / 11/19/2016 at 1:34pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that sometimes when my girlfriend is mad at me she will allow our unfixed male dog to jack off on my pillows when I'm at work. She won the battle and the war. FML

by NotTHATbad / 11/19/2016 at 12:26pm / Intimacy

Today, while I was reading on my tablet, my dog wanted to be let outside, so I set down the tablet and let her outside. I returned to the living room to continue reading when I heard a crunch. The tablet had fallen to the floor and I'd stepped on it. FML

by idiot / 11/19/2016 at 1:48am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a couple of months of enjoying an informal parking arrangement with a local bank, I found out they sold their extra lot without telling me. The new owner's towing company heard about the deal, though. FML

by CaddyWhack / 11/18/2016 at 3:57pm / Transportation

Today, at school, we were supposed to say something that we are thankful for. When I was about to speak, one of the girls at my table said, "It's okay, you can say PornHub." FML

by Bonngoo / 11/17/2016 at 1:17pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked a girl that I've been talking to for a couple of weeks out, but immediately got rejected because I'm left handed. I guess I'll leave that part out next time. FML

by ImaSneakyNinja / 11/16/2016 at 9:55pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I found a great parking spot but I wasn't sure if it was restricted by any means or of I could just park there for free. I asked a police officer walking by and he told me it was alright, only to come back 4 hours later to find a ticket on my windshield. FML

Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML

by Nightshade823 / 11/10/2016 at 2:12pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

by negativesoup / 11/10/2016 at 1:44pm / Work

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

by Rekt / 11/10/2016 at 12:40am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

by Sunshine56 / 11/09/2016 at 10:11pm / United States (Arkansas) / Work