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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

#21443849
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23503) - you deserved it (1984)

On 07/19/2015 at 2:02am - kids - by facepalming all the way (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I spent hours cooking a big dinner for my parents for the first time. I guess I made the steak too rare, because when my dad cut into it, he said "Christ! This thing's practically alive!" and said a skilled vet could probably bring the cow it was cut from back to life. FML

#21443824
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21440) - you deserved it (3370)

On 07/19/2015 at 1:05am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be hilarious to secretly swap her and my mom's numbers in my phone, then sexually tease me before going to work. I found out about the prank when I texted my "girlfriend", saying I was going to fuck her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for days. FML

#21443815
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29566) - you deserved it (3813)

On 07/19/2015 at 12:36am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML

#21443580
40 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21662) - you deserved it (2782)

On 07/18/2015 at 3:08pm - kids - by ddhaley1 (woman) - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, while walking down the street, a truck hit a puddle and splashed me with water. After I cursed and flipped him off, he put his truck in reverse and splashed me again. FML

#21443362
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23305) - you deserved it (8716)

On 07/18/2015 at 2:01am - misc - by supersmashpika (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my son was planning on going clubbing. I disapproved, but no matter what I say he never listens, so I simply offered him some condoms so he doesn't end up knocking anyone up. He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML

#21443327
221 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28813) - you deserved it (4493)

On 07/18/2015 at 1:00am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, a girl called me a racist, stereotyping asshole. All I did was ask a kid who happens to be Asian to tutor me in math. Which I didn't do just because he's Asian, but rather because he's in college and is actually a brilliant mathematician. FML

#21443245
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27415) - you deserved it (1821)

On 07/17/2015 at 10:26pm - misc - by yep, she does have a tumblr (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was Skyping with my girlfriend. I was so incredibly tired and just wanted to go to bed, but she just kept talking and wouldn't let me go. I ended up blurting "Your mom's a cunt." just to start a fight and have an excuse to hang up on her. I feel like an asshole. FML

#21443212
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11974) - you deserved it (36877)

On 07/17/2015 at 8:54pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet in a public restroom. That would have been bad enough, without the guy in the next stall saying, "Jesus! What the hell did you eat?!" FML

#21443162
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25996) - you deserved it (2988)

On 07/17/2015 at 7:04pm - misc - by AK-47 (man) - United States (New Mexico)

Today, after months of hardcore training, free of injuries, I pinched a nerve in my neck while putting on a swimsuit to lie in the sun doing nothing. FML

#21443051
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24322) - you deserved it (2001)

On 07/17/2015 at 2:11pm - health - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home after just 3 weeks of being away. It seems like my pool now has its own mini-ecosystem. FML

#21443044
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21381) - you deserved it (4850)

On 07/17/2015 at 1:56pm - misc - by IssacB (man) - United States

Today, my grandpa saw one of the paintings in the guest room at my house. "What the fuck?" he snorted, then said whoever painted it should "stick to their damn day job". I painted it. FML

#21443043
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23138) - you deserved it (2252)

On 07/17/2015 at 1:50pm - misc - by is cum a fruit or a vegetable? (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

#21443029
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23527) - you deserved it (3702)

On 07/17/2015 at 1:14pm - health - by Anonymous - United States (Florida)



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