FMLs submitted from United States

Today, a woman came up to me and sheepishly asked if my son is single. He's not my son, he's my boyfriend. FML

by iliana74 / 04/20/2016 at 12:07pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, after a fight, I caught my sister rubbing my toothbrush on the inside of our grimy toilet. This is why I have trust issues. FML

by Anonymous / 04/20/2016 at 10:34am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend spotted for me while I was lifting a barbell. He thought it would be hilarious to tickle my armpits as I lifted it all the way up. I can still taste vomit in my mouth and it hurts to breathe. FML

by not jacked / 04/20/2016 at 7:35am / United States (Connecticut) / Health

Today, I was sitting at my desk when out of nowhere I had a "silent sneeze attack". Someone in the office called the paramedics because they thought I was having a seizure. This is the third time this has happened this week. FML

by fucktheearth / 04/19/2016 at 11:32pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I asked a short girl to prom by making a "You must be this tall to say no" sign. She grabbed a chair, stood on it, and then said no. FML

by anonymous / 04/19/2016 at 11:09pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

by Anonymous / 04/19/2016 at 8:56pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, as usual, I went to pick up my brother and sister from school in the rain. When we got to my truck, I realized I had locked us out. We had to walk home in the rain, only to find the spare house key had not been put back in its spot since the last time it was used. FML

by Gimmie a spare / 04/19/2016 at 4:45pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I let my little sister play a game using my Facebook account. She then accepted all of the people that had sent me a friend request. Among them included my boyfriend's crazy ex, and 3 people I've never met. Now I'm getting strange messages from all of them. FML

by KaityK / 04/19/2016 at 3:15pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, on the bus, my friends and I gorged ourselves on a ton of candy. When it was my stop, I began to walk to the front of the bus. Upon getting off the bus, I tried to thank the driver with a mouth full of candy. It sounded like I said "Fuck you". FML

by ScratchCatPower / 04/19/2016 at 3:04pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my son is having housing issues, so I let him stay at my place for a while. Today, he found out that the quiet, dorky-looking professor who lives next door is an MMA fighter. He tried to break into the guy's house in the middle of the night and is now in the hospital. FML

by Jim / 04/19/2016 at 1:25pm / United States / Kids

Today, I was at a party. A guy kept looking at me, so I tried to strike up a conversation with him. I realized he was drunk when he slurred, "Ya know, you're the only girl I've met that's fat AND flat chested!" There goes my self-esteem. FML

by Anonymous / 04/19/2016 at 11:59am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally saw a dermatologist due to my unusually severe acne. Now I know I actually have a rare disorder that makes me allergic to my own acne. FML

by chuffberry / 04/19/2016 at 9:39am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I twisted my ankle on a mole hill in front of my house. I regularly try to stomp them down so I guess this was retribution. Well played, mole. Well played. FML

by WhoaZombie / 04/18/2016 at 11:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.