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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, while I was in the bathroom at a restaurant, my young son decided to drink the "slushie" I had ordered. We ended up at the hospital because that slushie was actually a margarita. FML

#21428647
199 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24857) - you deserved it (6954)

On 06/19/2015 at 4:09pm - kids - by Kidisok - United States

Today, a cute guy asked me if I was single. When I said yes, he said "Yeah, you look like the type", and walked away. FML

#21428639
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26767) - you deserved it (2004)

On 06/19/2015 at 3:51pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML

#21428622
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27184) - you deserved it (3156)

On 06/19/2015 at 3:00pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I went to the restaurant I recently got a job at, to take the introductory three hour training course. Afterwards, I was told I wasn't hired after all. Why? The girl I was replacing suddenly decided she didn't want to move away and quit after all. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

#21428553
245 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28597) - you deserved it (11687)

On 06/19/2015 at 12:17pm - intimacy - by shmarf (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I had to take my daughter to the ER. Her brother had bet she couldn't go the whole day without talking. So to win the bet, she tried to super-glue her lips together so she couldn't accidentally say anything. FML

Today, I was about to leave for my honeymoon with my new husband, when he saw my deodorant in my bag. He picked it up and asked what it was. When I said it was deodorant, he gave me a confused look and said "girls don't wear deodorant". He actually believed that. FML

#21428525
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26211) - you deserved it (2495)

On 06/19/2015 at 10:47am - health - by stanky - United States (Ohio)

Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML

#21428240
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26018) - you deserved it (11843)

On 06/18/2015 at 7:29pm - money - by fuckstudentloans - United States (California)

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

#21428226
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29584) - you deserved it (3692)

On 06/18/2015 at 6:53pm - work - by fartypants - United States (Florida)

Today, I found out that my grandparents are going to take my car away and sell it because they're pissed I'm moving in with my boyfriend. FML

#21428214
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24529) - you deserved it (4477)

On 06/18/2015 at 6:31pm - misc - by allisonpaige21 - United States (Arkansas)

Today, a woman bitched me out at the grocery store, saying that since I'm not Indian, I shouldn't be wearing a bindi - a red dot on my forehead - because it's "cultural appropriation". I was too embarrassed to tell her it was actually a pimple I'd been trying to pop on my forehead. FML

#21428154
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29283) - you deserved it (2500)

On 06/18/2015 at 4:09pm - misc - by unsuccessful popping - United States (New York)

Today, my ex-boyfriend dumped sand into the crankcase of my truck and then filled it to the top with water after I dumped him for being immature and not respecting my things. FML

#21427999
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29045) - you deserved it (2977)

On 06/18/2015 at 8:36am - love - by Anonymous - United States (Florida)

Today, my sister started a full-time job with a good pay despite having no prior work experience and being a college freshman. Meanwhile, I've graduated with two degrees, have been working two jobs for the last five years, and still can't get a full-time position anywhere. FML

#21427853
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27952) - you deserved it (2767)

On 06/17/2015 at 11:50pm - work - by Realworldred (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)



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