FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my father went missing. Naturally worried, we searched his workplace, hospitals, and other locations. Ends up he got arrested for driving around town drunk out of his mind. Oh, and it's my birthday. Thanks for throwing me a great (search) party, dad. FML

by shikushiku / 08/02/2016 at 11:12pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

by BatBee / 08/02/2016 at 10:29pm / United States (West Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML

by Jay703 / 08/02/2016 at 10:21pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML

by manderz? / 08/02/2016 at 8:18pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I started my first day at a job. First thing my manager does is ask me if I knew the fastest way to kill someone there, then told me with a straight face all of what would occur when dumping a person's head into the deep fryer. Then the psycho assigned me to the fry station. FML

by TheVagabond_SRG / 08/02/2016 at 2:46am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I got so anxious while trying to fight the ticket I got earlier this month that I passed out in front of the judge. FML

by so embarrassing / 08/02/2016 at 2:27am / United States (Washington) / Transportation

Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML

by what sex life? / 08/02/2016 at 2:26am / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy

Today, while at work as a cashier, one lady's total was $1.32. She handed me the dollar, and then apologized. When I looked at her, confused as to what she was sorry about, she went wrist deep into her bra, grabbed some change, and quickly put it into my hand. It was wet and it smelt. FML

by CliffyB03 / 08/01/2016 at 5:00pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mom told me that she wanted the whole family to move to Guatemala. I told her, as nice and calmly as I could, that this was an awful idea. She is now furious with me because I don't want to move to Guatemala. FML

by holluphollup / 08/01/2016 at 2:01pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went to the eye doctor with my little brother. There were only three chairs and one was occupied by a woman. I sat at the far end, but as soon as I sat down, I heard my little brother yell out loud, "I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE FAT LADY!" FML

by reallydevonte / 08/01/2016 at 1:30pm / United States (Tennessee) / Kids

Today, I let my new cat sleep in bed with me. It was cute until she wiped a tapeworm onto my arm. FML

by Anonymous / 07/31/2016 at 12:45pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I had to give an important presentation, so I checked it over one last time before taking a shower and heading out. I found out too late that my brother used that window of opportunity to replace the entire document with the N-word repeating over and over again. FML

by suspended / 07/31/2016 at 11:39am / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, my new girlfriend canceled my badly needed haircut appointment. She feels that having my female hairstylist wash and cut my hair involves "too much touching" and "counts as cheating." FML

by crazyattracts / 07/31/2016 at 1:53am / United States (California) / Love