FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I complimented a guy on his Van Gogh costume. As it turns out, he had an infection in his ear. FML

by I'm an asshole / 11/03/2016 at 5:46pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I climbed to the top of the tallest building in my city with this guy I really like. He spotted the girl he had a crush on, and wouldn't shut up about her for the rest of the night. FML

by badatlove / 11/03/2016 at 4:42pm / United States / Love

Today, I was diagnosed with chronic vomiting. I've gone to 7 doctors and tried 13 different medicines, with none of them working. I've gone to therapy and taken up yoga with no change. So apparently, throwing up daily at random times is the new normal for me. Yay. FML

by leadwriteafw / 11/03/2016 at 2:35pm / United States (Texas) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I needed to cut something open so I asked my roommate to toss me my pocket knife from the counter. Apparently, he heard, "Open the knife then toss me it." FML

by timetraveler1854 / 11/02/2016 at 8:55pm / United States (New York) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my group is so lazy and unwilling to do work for our debate project that my competition is offering to help me out. FML

by AnAngryyGiraffe / 11/02/2016 at 3:56pm / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after $87, waiting five months and making sure everything was perfect, I was ready to go see my favorite comedian live. I got the flu. FML

by throwinguptears / 11/02/2016 at 10:30am / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML

by 2in longer / 11/01/2016 at 8:57am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, after having surgery and told not to have sex for two weeks, I've been begging my boyfriend to allow me to give him a blowjob, trying to be nice. He doesn't want to because he can't reciprocate. Not only has not having sex drove me insane, so is not being able to touch my boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2016 at 2:25am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I've been crushing on for a while. When he dropped me off, I said thank you and that we should do it again sometime. He replied, "Yeah, maybe next Halloween." FML

by manda8484 / 11/01/2016 at 1:12am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I found out that I was never actually enrolled in the class I've been attending all semester. I guess that explains why I only got $400 dollars in student aid, not the 1,200 they said I'd get. FML

by graphite01 / 11/01/2016 at 12:08am / United States (Oregon) / Money

Today, I answered a call from a customer. She expected me to exchange her item without her actually having to go to one of our 800+ stores. FML

by umm...no / 10/31/2016 at 10:33am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for saving them money. FML

by marenthehollow / 10/30/2016 at 8:33pm / United States (Utah) / Work

Today, a customer asked for my manager's number, my bosses number, corporate's number and filled out a complaint form, all because we kindly asked him not to sit his kid on the counter due to safety concerns. FML

by jaa319 / 10/30/2016 at 2:35am / United States (California) / Work