FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

by Sunshine56 / 11/09/2016 at 10:11pm / United States (Arkansas) / Work

Today, I saw an older gentleman running through my store. I wasn't sure why he was running towards the front door until I looked at the floor and saw a poop trail behind him. The trail went from the front of the store all the way to the back of the store. Guess who had to get the mop and bucket. FML

by Rosie J. / 11/09/2016 at 9:45pm / United States (Kansas) / Work

Today, after complaining about the clocks still being an hour ahead from daylights savings, my work finally changed the time on all the clocks in the building. Now all the clocks are two hours ahead. FML

by needagoodlaugh / 11/09/2016 at 8:58pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I showed my grandma my new septum piercing. Her only response was, "I hope it gets infected and your nose falls off." FML

Today, my boyfriend sent me an article about how smelling farts can reduce dementia then added, "You're welcome." FML

by anon / 11/09/2016 at 3:54pm / United States (Maryland) / Health

Today, I got into a car accident that was my fault. The other driver was my professor. FML

by winks / 11/09/2016 at 2:06pm / United States (Nevada) / Transportation

Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

by Dirtbikesnowboard / 11/09/2016 at 2:00pm / United States (Utah) / Animals

Today, I mockingly made "President Trump" jokes all day to my friends, knowing Clinton was bound to win the election. FML

by toametru1 / 11/09/2016 at 2:08am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my country elected a man who thinks global warming is a hoax. FML

by mycountryisdumb / 11/09/2016 at 1:54am / United States (Alaska) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

by birthday blues / 11/08/2016 at 2:15pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML

by daughter in law / 11/08/2016 at 1:05am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my roommate told me that she was studying in the library. Turns out, she didn't feel like going to the library and just spent all afternoon studying in a friend's room because she didn't think I was capable of shutting up for long enough to get any work done. Our other friends agreed. FML

by shutup shutup shutup don't wanna hear it / 11/07/2016 at 7:43pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I helped my hoarder grandfather clean out his garage. Not only did I step on a nail, I also slipped in a puddle of used oil that's been sitting out for two years, and broke my nose. He didn't pay me since I wasn't able to finish the job. FML

by megamonster99 / 11/07/2016 at 10:06am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous