FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law decided that she is going to be in charge of planning my wedding. All decisions must be approved by her, and anything she doesn't like will be thrown out. She also wants to go on our honeymoon with us to make sure I don't "defile" her son. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2016 at 3:38pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2016 at 12:59pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my dad told me to knock it off with my "stupid gangster walk", saying it made me look like an idiot. I didn't have the balls to admit I'd sharted my pants and was awkwardly waddling to the bathroom to clean myself up. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2016 at 12:05pm / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, after fishing for 5 hours, I finally caught a respectable-sized fish. I ran to my truck to grab the scale, and then I saw my friend laughing hysterically while holding an empty net. Apparently, the only catch of our day jumped out of the net during the 15 seconds I was gone. FML

by superfreak6 / 05/20/2016 at 9:25am / United States (Louisiana) / Animals

Today, my phone charger caught fire. I was thankful to be there to witness it. I was not thankful for having been holding it while this happened, as my shirt caught on fire. FML

by ShandiPandiDerp / 05/20/2016 at 8:12am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was getting x-rays of my arm, I heard one technician ask another, "Are you sure those are hers?" At 17, I have weaker bones than my grandma. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2016 at 7:29am / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2016 at 4:09am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've been talking to. We ended up at his house around 4 a.m., but as we walked through the front door, his ex girlfriend was sitting on the couch, apparently waiting for him to get home. They still live together. FML

by aireeahna / 05/20/2016 at 2:04am / United States (Iowa) / Love

Today, an officer ticketed me for texting while driving. Apparently, getting dumped costs $180. FML

by TicketMePink / 05/20/2016 at 1:57am / United States / Love

Today, I got a splinter in my shop class. The teacher dug at it with tweezers for a while, then told me that my best bet would be to wait until the wound got infected and formed a bunch of pus around the splinter to force it out. It's in my dominant hand's palm. FML

by pain / 05/20/2016 at 12:23am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was called a bitch and "freaky as hell" because I don't like watermelon. I'm sorry, but just because I'm black doesn't mean I like watermelon. FML

by No thanks / 05/19/2016 at 8:06pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting on my couch when I felt something weird underneath me. I got up, thinking I'd sat on my phone or something. Wrong. I'd sat on a live mouse. FML

by goldenpuppy / 05/19/2016 at 4:54pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals

Today, my plan to prank my husband backfired when I forgot about the "pop-its" I left under the toilet seat and set them off. It not only scared the shit out of me, it also woke up my 2 month-old and my grumpy husband. FML

by TotallyDeservedIt / 05/19/2016 at 1:19pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous