FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was making out with a guy in his car, when we decided we needed a minute of fresh air. We stepped out, only to completely lock ourselves out, with our phones and the keys inside. We had to smash a window. FML

by Silverfeathery / 11/14/2016 at 6:19am / United States (Maine) / Love

Today, my mother-in-law scheduled her neck surgery for the same day our baby is being born. She also fully expects my husband to drive her to the hospital and stay for her recovery. Uh, yeah no. FML

by merchgirl / 11/14/2016 at 5:31am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were house sitting. We were a little on edge because we'd heard noises. We were starting to get intimate, and suddenly the house alarm started going off. We locked ourselves in the room, called the police, and they told us that we were the ones who'd set it off. FML

by avocadotoe / 11/14/2016 at 1:52am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my daughter, whom I consigned a credit card for, told me she was in a bit of financial trouble. It turns out that she was trying to pay off her credit card with the same credit card her bill was for, and couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. FML

by Oy Vay / 11/14/2016 at 1:09am / United States (New York) / Money

Today, I finally got the courage to ask out a girl I've had a crush on for months now. She told me I was very cute and then walked off. I still don't have an answer. FML

by hoppgrasser / 11/12/2016 at 10:17am / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, I was given a building key that students aren't supposed to have because they'll lose it. I told my coach I wouldn't lose the key. The same key disappeared not even 20 minutes later without a trace. I still can't find it, and it's been an hour. FML

by rosecolas / 11/12/2016 at 8:36am / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, my parents asked me if my girlfriend of two years and I wanted to go see a musical with them. I haven't told them that she broke up with me the day after she met them. FML

by bob7654 / 11/10/2016 at 9:44pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was at work training for a new position. The girl who's been training me since I started decided to share about one of her tribe's proud, sacred traditions of eating raw, human flesh. I have another month shadowing her before I can work independently. I'm beyond disturbed. FML

by _sourdiesel7 / 11/10/2016 at 6:39pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I replaced my dating apps with food apps cause at least someone will show up after I use the food apps. FML

by fyreangel / 11/10/2016 at 4:39pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML

by I have Flashbacks Now / 11/10/2016 at 4:15pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML

by Nightshade823 / 11/10/2016 at 2:12pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date to come. I had sat for an hour until I finally got fed up and went to leave when at the same time the guy at the table next to me stood up to leave too. I noticed he had been sitting alone. Turns out he was my date. FML

by kill the audience / 11/10/2016 at 12:51pm / United States (Delaware) / Love

Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML

by anonymous / 11/10/2016 at 9:29am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous