FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my batshit crazy coworker told me that she wants to hear my skin sizzle. I'm afraid to go to work now. FML

Today, I was on a plane flying home and fell asleep. I woke up to my own snoring and everyone on the plane looking at me. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2016 at 12:14am / United States (Montana) / Transportation

Today, is my one day off for the week. My mother in law is visiting, and has decided we need to rearrange my living room. FML

by tiredmomma / 07/21/2016 at 5:30pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my kids overheard me talking about cleaning the fuel system in our RV before we go to Disney World. They were so eager to get there, they decided they'd clean the fuel system themselves while I was at work, namely by pouring Tide into the gas tank. FML

by DoubledTrouble / 07/21/2016 at 7:58am / United States (District of Columbia) / Kids

Today, my pregnant wife suggested we have fun tonight since we haven't had sex in 3 months. She also said we'll be having waffles and sausage. I'm actually more excited about the food than the sex. FML

by not even / 07/21/2016 at 7:20am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I spent two hours trying to catch a urine sample whilst at urgent care due to my inability to pee in public restrooms. I finally managed one, and was so excited by my success that I fumbled it and spilled it on my pants. FML

by slaughterteddy / 07/20/2016 at 7:23pm / United States / Health

Today, after driving to three drug testing clinics that were approved for my job, each one declined me saying they dont do testing anymore. Now I have to drive another 25 miles to see if someone will say, "You're clean." FML

by GyroUpgraded / 07/20/2016 at 7:03pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I went to a new doctor. While filling out charts she looked up and said, "I'm assuming you are single." FML

by Anonymous / 07/20/2016 at 6:28pm / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, my religious mother found out I work at Planned Parenthood. Now everytime she sees me, she prays until I leave the room. FML

by Anonymous / 07/20/2016 at 2:12pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter decided to drench our carpets with water, to "make them grow like plants". She's 9. FML

by Anonymous / 07/20/2016 at 1:20pm / United States / Kids

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer excused himself to use the bathroom, so I took the chance to let out a tiny fart I'd been holding in. That tiny fart filled the whole room. When he came back, the guy literally stopped dead in his tracks and recoiled at the stench. Doubt I'll get that job. FML

by Anonymous / 07/20/2016 at 11:08am / United States / Work

Today, I dropped my knitting project while I was sitting down, but I managed to catch it between my legs. So my knitting needles also caught me. FML

by Anonymous / 07/20/2016 at 2:40am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I went to a local Asian restaurant where this adorable Japanese girl works as a server. We had formed a friendship and I was hoping for something more, but I decided to play "hard-to-get" for the last couple of weeks. When I went there today, the place was closed. Permanently. FML

by Talented73 / 07/19/2016 at 10:54pm / United States (New York) / Love