FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

by DreeStahr / 09/30/2016 at 12:05am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my father has been saving money to help me buy my first car. In the same conversation, I found out my mother, unbeknownst to my dad, used nearly all of the money to bail my drunken, deadbeat uncle out of jail for the 4th time a month ago. He is now back in prison. FML

by fox_at_heart / 09/29/2016 at 10:21pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, I spent about 45 minutes attaching brackets and weatherproof lights to the umbrella in my patio set. It looked great, and I was excited to finally sit out under them at night - until the umbrella shifted and fell over, shattering the glass table top. FML

by baldiesmom / 09/29/2016 at 3:07pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML

by mavrick127 / 09/29/2016 at 10:21am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I was excited to finally get an interview after being unemployed since getting out of the military nearly a year ago. Turns out, they weren't even interested in hiring me. They'd just never met a female Marine before. FML

by Female / 09/28/2016 at 11:26pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years in front of the sell-out crowd at the baseball game, but at the security checkpoint, the security guard made me take the ring out and open it after I walked through the metal detector. No need to say it, worst proposal ever. FML

by Malcolm654 / 09/28/2016 at 11:20pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I saw my two-year-old son trying to floss his teeth. He was using an earthworm. FML

by Fffhjno / 09/28/2016 at 2:15pm / United States (Utah) / Kids

Today, my new roommate sent me a picture of our toothbrushes bristles touching with the caption "Look! I made them kiss!" FML

by Roommate / 09/28/2016 at 12:03pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I have a speech impediment that's recently become more noticeable. My entire family has decided that the best way to go about handling it is to mock me whenever I try to say something. FML

by christacat / 09/28/2016 at 6:24am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I was so proud I'd fixed the toilet with a hardware store part without even having to call a plumber. As I happily put the lid back on the tank, I dropped the lid, which broke the tank, spilling water everywhere. Now I need a new toilet, a new floor, and I have to call the plumber. FML

by HomeChump / 09/28/2016 at 1:49am / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, my girlfriend tried to hook me up with a guy. It's the second time it happened since I met her. FML

by DrawingWaves / 09/27/2016 at 6:36pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2016 at 5:29pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML

by Screamslikeagirl / 09/27/2016 at 3:17pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous