FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my loser roommate got wasted. He comes to me before going to bed, tells me he loves me, tries to hug me, then explosively vomits all over my face, my hair, my clothes. Then spends the rest of the night retching. FML

by theRoomie / 11/02/2009 at 1:47am / United States (California) / Health

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

by UnluckyJulie / 11/02/2009 at 1:12am / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, I was lost in a new town, so I asked a woman for directions. For some reason, she seemed to avoid me. About halfway down the block, she quickly turned around, and the next thing I remember is my eyes stinging like hell. Apparently she thought I was a mugger and maced me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2009 at 12:40am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got an e-mail from a girl, asking if my boyfriend was indeed my boyfriend. I sent back a gushing message about how much I loved him and how well he treated me. She replied "Yeah, I know. He was supposed to be my boyfriend, too." FML

by OhJoy / 11/02/2009 at 12:08am / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, I flew to see the guy that I've been in love with for 3 years. We spent the day at Walmart. To buy a plunger. After I blocked up the toilet. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2009 at 9:40pm / United States (Iowa) / Love

Today, I was at a party and saw an old friend from college. I went up to her asking how she was and how her family was. She went on to tell me that her husband left her a month ago and started crying. I told her that he was an ass anyway and that she didn't need him. Turns out he died. FML

by Oops / 11/01/2009 at 8:43pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was DJing for a church event where I was stationed in the middle and everyone was sitting behind me. I walked over to get something to drink and eat and come back with glaring looks. My screensaver had came on with pictures of my naked girlfriend. FML

by terry / 11/01/2009 at 8:22pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, driving home, my girlfriend and I decided we were finally going to have sex. We got in the backseat, then I opened my condom to find it was already broken. We ended up playing connect four instead. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2009 at 5:18pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I finally got my paycheck from working at my minimum wage job for the last three months. I was delighted when I saw it was worth $846. On my way to cash it, I destroyed my car's suspension. It's going to cost almost $800 to fix. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2009 at 4:08pm / United States (Michigan) / Money

Today, I am not allowed to have any of my candy because of my sister's weight problem. FML

Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2009 at 12:51pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because her mom said she would buy her a pug if she did. I got dumped for a dog, and an ugly one for that matter. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2009 at 12:43pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Love

Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML

by Joe / 11/01/2009 at 11:35am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous