FMLs submitted from United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

by ScaryOldMan / 10/07/2009 at 3:57am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I was teaching a woodshop class. We were using power tools, including drills, and pieces of pine wood. While helping a kid to hold a piece to practice drilling, he went too far forward with the drill. It went through my hand. FML

by screwed / 10/07/2009 at 3:05am / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I was eating ice cream and struggling to chew a particularly hard chunk of chocolate. After finally breaking it into pieces, I spat it out because it tasted terrible. Then I discovered that I was missing my temporary crown. Now I have no upper molar. FML

by Toothless / 10/07/2009 at 1:43am / United States (Alabama) / Health

Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend over webcam with a cute negligee. He was doing homework. Half an hour later, he finally noticed. Apparently pre-calc is more interesting than his girlfriend. I guess polynomials are just curvier than me. FML

by NotAParabola / 10/07/2009 at 12:39am / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, I found out that my parents are 28,000 dollars in debt and that my bank account has $27.17 in it. They took my money to help pay their debt. FML

by armenta427 / 10/07/2009 at 12:12am / United States / Money

Today, I was walking my dog when, as usual, he did his business in the grass and stepped off to the side. I squatted and reached for the bag when my dog spotted another canine. He lunged forward in excitement and I landed face forward in the feces. FML

by gera3gera / 10/06/2009 at 10:07pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I was walking out of class when I saw a girl enthusiastically run to her boyfriend, jump on him, and smother him with kisses. I thought to myself "I wish my girlfriend did that." When the girl jumped off and turned around I realized she did, just not to me. FML

by zitroskies / 10/06/2009 at 8:04pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I showed my boyfriend the new tattoo of a butterfly that I'd gotten on my lower back. He said, "It looks like it's flying when your rolls jiggle." FML

by lovebigmacs / 10/06/2009 at 7:32pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I poured my heart out into what had to be my greatest set of lyrics for my band ever, at the same time my teacher was explaining chemical changes to the class. At the end of the lecture he picked up my paper, and set it on fire to demonstrate a chemical change. FML

by 3LLI0TT / 10/06/2009 at 6:23pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was in the shower I noticed a short, black hair on my loofa. I ignored it and lathered up my entire body with it. When I put it back down, a roach crawled out of it. What I thought was a black hair was in fact its antenna. FML

by Anonymous / 10/06/2009 at 5:31pm / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, when approaching a stop light on my motorcycle, I went to extend my left leg as usual to balance when stopped. Apparently my shoelace loop got wrapped around the shift lever and "tied" my shoe to the bike. It's hard to look cool when you fall over for no apparent reason at a stoplight. FML

by Crotch_Rocket_Rider / 10/06/2009 at 1:33pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, I found out that the phrase I got tattooed on my lower back is misspelled. FML

by TatooFAIL / 10/06/2009 at 10:38am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my roomate thought it would be funny to take pictures of my morning wood and put it up on Facebook for everyone to see. FML

by Crappit / 10/06/2009 at 9:53am / United States (New York) / Intimacy