FMLs submitted from United States

Today, after getting my car completely fixed after it being damaged for a year, I was driving and the entire side panel on the car fell off. The repair man forgot to put the screws back in. FML

by 205 / 11/13/2009 at 4:23pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I was shopping with my baby daughter when an older woman came up to me. She glared and said, "You know, if you kids learned how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't be a mother at 16." I'm 25. FML

by notateen / 11/13/2009 at 3:26pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML

by thelistman / 11/13/2009 at 2:04pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I came home after a two week vacation to find that my wonderful dog had pooped and peed all over my room. My mother was kind enough to dog-sit; however, instead of helping me by cleaning up the horrid mess, she just left me coupons for Glade plug-in air fresheners. FML

by PuppyLove2009 / 11/13/2009 at 1:34pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML

by yellowjacket_34 / 11/13/2009 at 12:47pm / United States (Montana) / Health

Today, I went to the pharmacy to purchase a brace for my sprained wrist. My wife and I had recently ran out of KY lotion, so I decided to pick up a bottle while I was there. It didn't occur to me that these two items could be perceived as being related until the cashier began to giggle. FML

by joeheathen / 11/13/2009 at 7:57am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went through with my elaborate plans to propose to my girlfriend with creativity. I took her skydiving and proposed in midair. She rejected. Why? She wanted a more "traditional" proposal. FML

by rejectedmidair / 11/13/2009 at 2:14am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

by butch / 11/13/2009 at 2:04am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I was walking to the parking lot from class while texting. When I looked up as I approached my parking spot, I noticed the words "F*ck you Dave" keyed into my car. Hi, my name is Clare. Who's Dave? FML

by mynameis / 11/13/2009 at 1:35am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got bailed out of jail. I was there because I saw a girl being hit by her boyfriend. I rushed over to help only to have her hit me repeatedly. The cops came and she blamed her bruises on me. The boyfriend corroborated her story. FML

by ournhd / 11/13/2009 at 1:11am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me if the tooth fairy was real. I said yes, and she said she wanted to try to catch her. Later, she pulled out a tooth and put it under her pillow. I came in to take out the tooth and replace it with money. There were mouse traps behind her pillow. FML

by snapped / 11/12/2009 at 11:19pm / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I sat right next to the door on the bus. When I went to get up, a man tripped and pushed me down the exit door stairs. I fell down and legitimately broke my ankle. While tending to my ankle, the bus doors closed and my backpack with my laptop, notes and calculator drove away. FML

by Anonymous / 11/12/2009 at 9:43pm / United States (Georgia) / Transportation

Today, I had a minor outpatient procedure that required sedation. I am not supposed to drive or even be alone for 24 hours. My husband wouldn't take the day off to go with me, and instead of coming home from work, he is at the bar with his coworkers. FML

by Anonymous / 11/12/2009 at 8:54pm / United States (Texas) / Love