FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I went to the restroom at school and when I finished my business, I noticed there was no toilet paper. I then began to wait hoping that a janitor would come by with extra toilet paper. It wasn't until an hour later that I then realized there was 4 extra rolls hidden behind the toilet. FML

by MyLyfeSux / 09/25/2009 at 6:09pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don't participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won't call on me cause he can't pronounce my name. FML

by Non-active / 09/25/2009 at 2:22pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I joined a dating website and spent all day filling out and improving my profile. My first match is a guy who relentlessly tried to date me for all 4 years of high school. Now he just has more reasons to tell me how much we're meant to be. We're a 97% match. FML

by looking / 09/25/2009 at 2:16pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I found my two best friends making out with each other. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. Today was my wedding day. One of the friends was my maid of honor, the other was my groom. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2009 at 1:42pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I went on a date with a new guy after not dating for quite some time. I'd drank a lot of water, so I wouldn't eat so much on the date and look like a pig. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten how funny this guy really was. He made me laugh so hard, I peed all over myself. FML

by MessedXUp / 09/25/2009 at 12:43pm / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, I was offered a position as a school crossing guard. I have a $200,000 degree in Economics from a top 20 University and was offered a position to hold a stop sign and wear a reflective vest. I was tempted to accept. FML

by UnemployedGrad / 09/25/2009 at 12:11pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, it was my mother's birthday. My 5 year old brother and 85 year old grandma decided to decorate the house with balloons and a blow up "people" they found in my room. FML

by Needasafe1234 / 09/25/2009 at 11:24am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, while brushing my teeth my 5 year old son walks into the bathroom. He gave me a mean look and said, "That Sammy's toothbrush, not yours." I have been brushing my teeth with the dog's toothbrush for two months now. FML

by bigdaddy / 09/25/2009 at 11:01am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I invited over my girlfriend of two years to spend my birthday night with her. Instead of a conventional wrapped birthday present, she gave me the news that she has taken a vow of chastity. FML

by BirthdayBoy / 09/25/2009 at 10:54am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I pulled a bee off of my friend's dog because we were worried he could be allergic. Of course I got stung, and of course the dog wasn't allergic. Turns out I am. FML

by boomstick / 09/25/2009 at 9:09am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I received an envelope from verizon. I assumed it was my bill. I opened it and saw a visa credit card offer so I quickly snapped it in half to prevent identity theft. Only after playing with the pieces for 10 minutes did I realize that it was my $100 rebate from my new phone. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2009 at 8:54am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my girlfriend I have only one testicle. Her reaction? "Eeew, balls are gross!" I'm glad to know I'm only half as gross as other guys. FML

by lone_ranger / 09/25/2009 at 7:13am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML

by SterlingEnigma / 09/25/2009 at 4:43am / United States (Alaska) / Health