FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. When I asked why, she replied with "You don't go out anymore. All you do is lay in bed." I've had the flu for the past week. FML

by ZPyRoGoDz / 10/30/2009 at 2:25am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I took this gorgeous girl from work to eat at Olive Garden. I was trying to be romantic and had the waiter bring two glasses of wine. I guess she doesn't really drink wine, she covered her fettucini Alfredo in vomit. After dinner, she thanked me with a french kiss. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2009 at 2:02am / United States (California) / Love

Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML

by skyhawk13 / 10/30/2009 at 1:11am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was on a second date with this guy, my roommate tried calling me and I ignored her. After dinner my date brought me back to my apartment and there was a waterfall gushing down from the balcony above our apartment. The guys above us had started a fire and our apartment was flooded. FML

by effinit / 10/30/2009 at 12:31am / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work one of my co-worker was oddly nice to me; and my boss, who usually always says hi to me, didn't look or speak to me. Later that day I found out that I was going to be fired, not because my boss told me but because my picture was missing from the wall of employees. FML

by SM / 10/29/2009 at 11:35pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, I found my checking and savings account to both read $0.00. My parents transferred all my money to theirs because "I'm irresponsible, and not fit to handle money." I'm a 3.8 college student and have a full-time job. They are currently unemployed. FML

by Bummer / 10/29/2009 at 10:00pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out, holding hands, and he was playing with a strand of my hair. I thought the whole thing was very romantic. He then said he loved how my mouth tasted like bacon. FML

by BaconBreathBlonde / 10/29/2009 at 8:33pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend that said, "Last week was the most embarassing time of my life, we're over." He was of course referring to the seizure that I had due to my epilepsy at Olive Garden. FML

by Allie / 10/29/2009 at 7:44pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I was driving to work. I saw a cute boy in the car next to me. To try and look cool, I pretended I was talking on my cell phone. I got pulled over and got a ticket for using my cell phone while driving. FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2009 at 5:14pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I work as a cashier, and Iike always I asked the customer paying credit to sign the "sheet" of paper. I recieved a dirty look from one woman who apparently talked to the manager about me, saying I had asked her to sign the "shitty" paper. I have now been warned for "derogatory language." FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2009 at 4:38pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my son couldn't find all the parts to his Cub Scout uniform. I had a serious talk with him about being prepared, and how he would need to live with the consequences of not having the right outfit on. When we arrived at the meeting, everyone was in costumes because it's Halloween. I forgot. FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2009 at 3:20pm / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, I recieved a message on MySpace from a cute guy I've been talking to for a while. It read, "I saw a girl in Old Navy at the mall last night that looked a lot like you, but she was much fatter." I was in Old Navy at the mall last night. FML

by girlthatstoofat / 10/29/2009 at 1:28pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the allergist. I found out that I am allergic to dogs, cats, wool, fleece, and pet dander. I'm currently planning to go to school to become a veterinarian. FML

by KMack / 10/29/2009 at 12:36pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Work