FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I am not allowed to have any of my candy because of my sister's weight problem. FML

Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2009 at 12:51pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because her mom said she would buy her a pug if she did. I got dumped for a dog, and an ugly one for that matter. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2009 at 12:43pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Love

Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML

by Joe / 11/01/2009 at 11:35am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, my best friend and I both applied for the same job. I was applying because my family is REALLY tight on cash, and I need the money. He applied because I told him about the job and we thought it would be fun working together. He was hired on the spot. I was denied the job. FML

by jamminguitarist / 11/01/2009 at 3:13am / United States (Utah) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was playing a game of truth or dare in a group with a girl I liked. She was dared to kiss me, but then the group decided that that was too cruel of a dare. FML

by Loser / 11/01/2009 at 1:30am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I received a 4 page text message from my mom explaining what she was going to do to me tonight in full detail. I am one name below her boyfriend on her contact list. FML

by Nomoretexting / 11/01/2009 at 12:35am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, while up in my room getting ready to go out, I thought I heard some trick or treaters knocking on the door. I ignored them because I didn't have any candy. The knocking got louder and longer. I walked downstairs, and noticed that the living room ceiling was falling down onto the floor. FML

by trickortreat / 11/01/2009 at 12:23am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got rear-ended at a stop sign on a seldom used road in my neighborhood. As I open my car door to trade insurance information with the guy, he backs up a little and speeds away, taking my car door with him. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2009 at 11:05pm / United States (Virginia) / Transportation

Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm and I saw and smelled smoke coming under my door. My second story window wouldn't unlock so I broke it open, threw out as many of my belongings as I could, and jumped. Turns out, the smell and noise were from my roomates cheap vacuum cleaner, not a fire. FML

by smokedetector / 10/31/2009 at 10:20pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

by thornrose22 / 10/31/2009 at 8:22pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that I was conceived during a conjugal visit. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2009 at 8:04pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2009 at 7:37pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous