FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend. Since everyone seemed to be sleeping, I closed my eyes and started to touch myself. I was really close to climaxing when I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my mother staring at me as I was masturbating. FML

by Rawr / 12/29/2009 at 8:05pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I got stuck in a blizzard. My mother never picked me up like she was supposed to, and wasn't answering her phone. After walking around for a half hour, freezing, I finally found her. Where was she? Sitting in Pizza Hut, having a great time. FML

by kenzieeeee / 12/29/2009 at 7:30pm / United States (Maine) / Miscellaneous

Today, I looked outside and I saw that my new car had been snowed on. Sadly the snow had frozen onto the car, so I spent the entire day getting it off. I came inside. By 8pm, my car had snow all over it again, and this time I left the window open. FML

by FMLimsomad / 12/29/2009 at 3:59pm / United States / Transportation

Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on a trip in the city. Unfortunately for me, the part of my appearance that the artist decided to exaggerate was my acne. FML

by fmylifegirl / 12/29/2009 at 3:59pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Health

Today, I was told to shovel four inches of snow from my driveway. I had to get the snow shovel from the rafters of my garage, and there were other tools with it. As I was yanking the shovel down, a pickax fell and smashed through the back window of my dad's Buick. FML

by Charlie8u347 / 12/29/2009 at 3:26pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, I found a diamond on the floor, which I could only assume was from one of my brother's cheap earrings. I was positive that it was fake. To prove it to myself, I ran it across my window, as they say only real diamonds cut glass. It's real. FML

by namehere34 / 12/29/2009 at 2:10pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my mom I was going on a date tonight. She laughed and didn't believe me. When I tried to convince her it was real, she got mad and grounded me for lying. I had to cancel the date. FML

by Grounded / 12/29/2009 at 1:50pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, the police called and told me that they had Alex in custody. Apparently, she had public sex with another woman and wants me to come bail her out. Alex is my mom. FML

by runescapeftw / 12/29/2009 at 1:18pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the dentist after not being there for 3 years. I was told that I had loads of cavities and that I would need to pay $3,000 for a serious mouth surgery. The reason I hadn't been to the dentist in 3 years: I've been married to a dentist for 3 years that said my teeth were "perfect." FML

by bradyman / 12/29/2009 at 10:09am / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my reward for topping three of the four employee performance charts was a paycut. FML

by Stumanji / 12/29/2009 at 6:42am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I found out that my booty call only likes to have sex with me so afterwards he can watch ESPN on my plasma screen TV, because he has neither. FML

by pieceofcake163 / 12/29/2009 at 3:59am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex asking if I would go out with him that night. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML

by SherryBaby / 12/29/2009 at 2:41am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML

by marriagesux / 12/29/2009 at 2:12am / United States / Intimacy