FMLs submitted from United States

Today, while in class, a cute boy came up and asked me for my number. I giggled and wrote my phone number on a piece of paper and told him to call me sometime. He gave me a weird look and walked away. He was asking which number math problem I needed help with. FML

by loser / 10/19/2009 at 1:43pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my sister that I thought I was pregnant, and that she was the only person I had called. Immediately after I hung up the phone I got a text saying, "OMG my sister thinks she's pregnant!" FML

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because he has anger issues. Tonight, my tires were slashed. FML

by kierstin / 10/19/2009 at 11:54am / United States (Nevada) / Love

Today, I started my first day at work, I've been unemployed for a while and am in college, so naturally I have no money. At the end of my shift, I ask what we do with the extra bread, and they tell me to throw it away. Being poor and hungry, I decide to take the bread home. I got fired for stealing. FML

by Anonymous / 10/19/2009 at 4:46am / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I was driving down the road when a dog suddenly runs across the street. In attempt to spare its life, I swerved to the side of the road and rear-ended another car. The car I hit belonged the family that owned the dog. Now I have to pay them because I saved their dog's life. FML

by JC / 10/19/2009 at 2:40am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my research partner emails me 2 hours before our deadline saying that she can't complete her half of our 20 page report because when she woke up this morning she couldn't see. How did she write the email? FML

by NUsConstantine / 10/18/2009 at 11:04pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my 13 year old daughter that she was grounded from using her phone. Later on, I get an important call regarding a job that I have been after. After I'd picked up the phone, my daughter starts screaming "HELP! RAPE! HELP!" on the other phone. I don't think I'll be getting the job. FML

by MGZ / 10/18/2009 at 10:33pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids

Today, at work this woman came up to my counter and handed me gold top covered in gold sequins. I like to chat with the customers sometimes at work so I got all excited and said "Ooh! You shopping for Halloween?" She gave me the biggest death stare. Turns out she wasn't shopping for Halloween. FML

by moduschic / 10/18/2009 at 9:38pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML

by Xia / 10/18/2009 at 12:38pm / United States (West Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was out for a nice walk and saw a man being attacked by a large crowd. Instinctively I ran to help him. I pushed one "thug" off him and that little time allowed him to escape. I later found out the man I saved had just keyed someone's car and they had intervened. Guess whose car. FML

Today, it was Homecoming. During the dance, I saw this mentally handicapped guy ask this pretty girl to dance. She said no. So I went over to him and asked him to dance. He replied that he only wanted to dance with "pretty girls" and I was not one. FML

by omgwtf / 10/18/2009 at 11:32am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over to the sound of her talking in her sleep. Because it was so cute, I was happy and I smiled, until she began to talk about "Troy" and "all the nasty things you can do to me." FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2009 at 8:09am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I cheated at card games to let my boyfriend win. I did it because I don't like him to throw the cards at me when I win. Now he just thinks I'm 'so slow a turtle could kick my ass' and that he has 'a cute little bubbly spud-brained girlfriend.' FML

by cheat / 10/18/2009 at 7:30am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous