FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my sister-in-law asked why I wasn't out partying with my friends to celebrate the new year. My mom then asked "What friends?". Ah, the new year begins. FML

by nobffs / 01/01/2010 at 1:10am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was with my boyfriend of two months, hoping this would be our night of the first kiss. I was so excited when the ball started to drop. When it hit "0", I turned to him, hoping for a kiss, and saw him making out with another girl. He didn't even turn around. FML

by ItSucks / 01/01/2010 at 12:12am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I met my boyfriends mother for the first time and hoped to make a good first impression. When I tried to say 'Hello', a loud rippling burp comes up from my throat. And not only that. A small chunk of mucus flies out and lands on the floor between us. So much for a good first impression. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2009 at 7:06pm / United States (Hawaii) / Animals

Today, a man proposed to me in classic style on one knee. Unfortunately, I have been telling this man for the last two months that I don't even want to date him. He thinks I'm playing hard to get and is not giving up. FML

by Unloving / 12/31/2009 at 4:47pm / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to the DMV to take my drivers test. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2009 at 3:10pm / United States (Nevada) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML

by pottypattypeepants / 12/31/2009 at 3:04pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I had a blind date. When I arrived at our meeting place, I spotted my date, because he was the only one in the bar wearing a nametag. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you John?" He responded, "That depends. Are you Jen?" When I said yes he said, "Then no," and left. FML

by lifesux / 12/31/2009 at 12:33pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy man knocked on my window. Since I'm incredibly paranoid and scare easily, I put my car in gear and tore out of there, accidentally hitting another car. Apparently he was returning my phone that I dropped. FML

by ParanoidFreak / 12/31/2009 at 4:31am / United States (South Carolina) / Transportation

Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2009 at 3:06am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I logged onto Facebook and saw that I had a message from my ex boyfriend. It's only been two weeks since we broke up and I assumed he sent me a message begging for me to take him back. He wanted to apologize for sleeping with my sister last night. FML

by 12345678 / 12/31/2009 at 3:01am / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, my 7 year old looks at me and states, "When I grow up Mommy I want to be fat just like you." FML

by Missyangel / 12/31/2009 at 2:39am / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, the guy I've been texting told me he loved me and he couldn't wait to make me his wife, and he couldn't wait for us to have kids and grow old together. I've only known him for 3 days. FML

by Anonymous. / 12/31/2009 at 12:23am / United States / Love

Today, I was making out with a really hot guy in a Jacuzzi. He had the biggest booger hanging out of his nostril, but I was too embarrassed to say anything to him about it. He went in for a kiss. Soon after our lips parted, he said, "Oh, you have big booger." FML

by Jennyfromdablock / 12/30/2009 at 10:28pm / United States (California) / Love