FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. Earplugs did not help. FML

by Anonymous / 11/07/2009 at 11:24am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, someone at work was bragging that their son was high school valedictorian and offered a full college scholarship. 7 years ago, I was also valedictorian and got that same scholarship. All I said was, "Congratulations. Did you want fries with that?" and continued taking their order. FML

by John / 11/07/2009 at 11:04am / United States (District of Columbia) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML

by batgirlrules881 / 11/07/2009 at 10:26am / United States / Love

Today, I dyed my hair blonde for my boyfriend, hoping it would help spice up our sex life. His response? It's still a few shades off from his favorite porn star. FML

by Blondegirl / 11/07/2009 at 7:55am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I stepped on a piece of glass and sliced my right foot open. Hobbling to get my first aid kit, I tripped and stepped on a pair of heels, and sliced my left foot open. FML

by chairlee / 11/07/2009 at 3:12am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I got a new job. I'm 26 and I left an amazing job to move back to be around my family. I have no choice but to take this job. I will be placing my finger in a dead turkeys ass, cutting open its stomach, and ripping out its guts. 15 per minute. FML

by Anonymous / 11/07/2009 at 3:04am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife told me she had stopped taking her anti-depressants a month ago in hopes of increasing her non-existent sex drive. I asked her if it had helped, and was about to suggest she start taking them again for her own wellbeing. She replied with, "Anyway, I'm just not attracted to you." FML

by iMarriedmymother / 11/07/2009 at 2:06am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I had a police officer come to my house because I've been reported missing. My friends online decided to call the police because I haven't signed in for 6 days. FML

by iheartvodka / 11/07/2009 at 1:55am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working as a Valet driver. After getting no customers for 5 hours in the pouring rain, a woman driving by stops and asks me for directions. Before leaving, she said, "I should probably tip you for that, since that's probably the only money you'd get all night." She didn't. FML

by Tipless / 11/07/2009 at 12:36am / United States (Virginia) / Money

Today, to celebrate moving into a new apartment, my girlfriend decided she would get a kitten. She didn't know I'm allergic to cats. When I told her, she decided that she couldn't date someone who couldn't be around her cat; the one she doesn't have yet. FML

by achoooo / 11/07/2009 at 12:34am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I'm a 19 year old college student in NYC, it's Friday night and I'm sitting alone on my bed in my dorm room, talking to my mother on facebook chat. Then she stopped responding. Turns out even my mother has better things to do on Friday night. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2009 at 7:29pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally decided to get back at my roommates for eating all my food. First thing that kept disappearing was my water, so I decided to add lots of laxatives to my water this way the first person to go to the bathroom nonstop was the culprit. I forgot I had done that when I drank some myself. FML

by anonymous / 11/06/2009 at 6:55pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, there was something itching me in my bed, it was the tag to my pillow case. I ripped it off, very hard and slipped and punched myself right in the face. I broke my nose. FML

by jellybean / 11/06/2009 at 6:37pm / United States / Health