FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my four year old got mad that he couldn't find his favorite character on the Wii. So, he decided to smash the Wii remote into my $700 LCD TV, shattering the screen. That was the only TV in the house, and the $80 service plan I bought doesn't cover accidental damage. FML

by mizzy / 11/19/2009 at 4:14pm / United States / Kids

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

by Sam_Licker81 / 11/19/2009 at 11:41am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my dog to the vet because he hadn't eaten his food in three days, was drinking a lot of water, and was peeing a lot (all signs of antifreeze poisoning). I spent $200 at the vet to tell me that my dog is fine and just didn't like his current food. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2009 at 11:14am / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was watching the episode where Spongebob smashes his guitar while playing. I walk into the kitchen to make him a snack, and I hear a loud crash... My nephew smashing my brand new guitar to be like Spongebob. FML

by maxus / 11/19/2009 at 9:37am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to begin jogging since my weight was getting a little out of control and I wanted to do something about it. Guess who tripped on a root and broke their ankle? Yeah. Exactly. FML

by SeeTony / 11/19/2009 at 2:33am / United States (California) / Health

Today, after a long day of cleaning, I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. Reaching for what I thought was Pam I coated my bread with spray and put my sandwich in the pan. Pledge makes a great looking sandwich, but the lemony flavor tastes like crap. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2009 at 2:08am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I applied some things I learned reading a "How to please a woman" book. My wife was in heaven until it was over, then she started crying and yelling about the only way I would learn those things is if I was having an affair. I explained but she doesn't believe me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2009 at 12:16am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my dad came home from Vegas. Today, my college savings account is down by $64,000. FML

by screwed / 11/18/2009 at 10:31pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting at lunch and started choking on a chip. I couldn't breathe and nobody tried to help me. Having to take matters into my own hands, I reached for a juice box that belonged to someone sitting next to me. After I could breathe again, they informed me that they had mono. FML

by ohmigodimchokin / 11/18/2009 at 7:19pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I missed my bus. I had to ride my bike 2 miles. Once I left, some jerk nearly hit me. I flipped him off and shouted obsceneties. It was my dad, offering me a ride. He left. FML

by ggbhghggg / 11/18/2009 at 6:04pm / United States (Missouri) / Transportation

Today, my iPod dropped out of my pocket while I was walking. Trying to be cool, I attempted to kick it back into the air to catch it before it hit the ground. Upon making contact with my foot, It ended up detaching from my headphones and flying 10 feet. Right into a sewer grate. FML

by Adam / 11/18/2009 at 4:57pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I were sitting downstairs with my mom. We heard the dog running around upstairs and called it down. It came running down the stairs. With a used condom in its mouth. The same condom my girlfriend and I lost two weeks ago. It put it directly in my mom's hands. FML

by Tucker / 11/18/2009 at 4:35pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML

by nycplywood / 11/18/2009 at 4:01pm / United States (Minnesota) / Animals